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Can you replace your
"one and only"?
2003 Harlan Jacobsen
Newly divorced, we find often start out being
greatly concerned that they have lost the "one and only" person
in the world and that they will probably "never find" anyone
worthwhile again. This seems to be a fairly common
concern in varying degrees.
We have observed many newly divorced that are often
absolutely convinced that they have "lost it". That
it is "all over", that they have lost their one and only relationship
chance in life.
As a result, some newly singled, go out "searching" almost
immediately, and wind up going to bed with everyone that says
This continues at a ferocious pace and then suddenly stops
What they were doing is "proving" to themselves that they
were still desirable, attractive to the opposite sex and were
not, as a result of the divorce, stranded "high and
They eventually find out that they could in fact develop
a new relationship of any kind whenever they wanted.
Once they prove that to themselves, then this activity suddenly
stops totally and they go back to getting their life back
There are realistically, thousands and thousands (maybe even
tens or even hundreds of thousands) of opposite sex candidates
that would be a far better match for you than the relationship
you just came from.
The usual tendency is to run immediately out and find someone,
"anyone" to fill the void. The chances of this being the right
person for you is
Your unresolved emotional divorce turmoil will spill over
and likely shatter this new relationship and it ends for whatever
The death of this first relationship after your divorce will
often be "more devastating" than the original divorce.
We tell you that what seems to work best is to develop a network
of single friends, a singles family, get to know a lot of
different types of people and just practice dating.
Getting your new life to where you can comfortably, stress
free, fill all your needs with a lot of different people.
No longer insisting that
one "special person" be found to fill all your needs.
With this background you will develop the skills to fully
determine "what is out there".
Then you will be amazed after you have worked thru your divorce
process, fairly soon after, realizing that you can attract
and date some very desirable people any time you want.
Once you decide that, you realize you do not have to "latch
on to" a good one when you meet one. Before this decision
and realization your thinking was, "This likely may be my
last chance, I can not let this one get away."
Instead, you are able to fully enjoy these relationships knowing
when or if it ends, no big deal. It was a great experience
and enjoyable while it lasted.
The key here is to learn how to easily meet and and gain "
practice" in developing all sorts of single friends including
When you get good at this and comfortable constantly meeting
new people and know this works, then you will enjoy the process.
Along the way you will then know that you will meet all sorts
of "really super" opposite sex people.
This is just one reason why our divorce class people who started
in the class saying "This divorce was the worse thing that
has ever happened to me." often came back 6 months later,
telling the new class, "My divorce was the best thing that
ever happened to me". (same divorce).
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