It took you quite a while to get your life screwed up--
it will now take you a little while to straighten it out
so do not get impatient.
Follow what I suggest in
this series of articles
and things will get better for
you. . . everyday in every way.
If you are out of physical shape, it will take you........
more......than five days to get in shape and........... so will
......though you should be able to detect progress
right from the start.
For what you are today - shame on your parents, your
ex-spouse, friends, etc.
They all contributed to your past programming which has gotten
you to what might seem to be a dead end.
If you stay there now........
.......... it is shame on you
- no one else!
What you are now going to
.................... is entirely up to
It is no longer up to your parents or to your
Your life is composed of millions of
Learn to change the choices you have been making,- for the
better -and your life will change for the better.
You are going to change your programming to become more self-centered.
No one is going to look after your interests but you.
now totally responsible for
yourself-- perhaps for the first time so if
you have an undesirable life now (and stay with it) it is all your
You will learn to live for yourself and
do the things you want to do.
You must rely on yourself because the minute you ask someone
else to do something for you that you should be able to do for
yourself you are losing self-confidence.
Somewhere along the line (maybe when you were about four years old)
your subconscious accepted from your conscious mind the programming (a
decision you made) that to be happy and feel loved I have to please my
Your folks said, "I will love you if you do this."
If you do that I won't love you.
This is called conditional love.
If you please us, by getting good grades, we will love
You have accepted and made the decision and have been using
the programming that pleasing others is the way to be loved and
To Be Happy and Loved I Must Be Pleasing Someone
Now I Can Do Whatever Pleases Myself And Just Make Me Happy
When you get divorced voluntarily or involuntarily you
have perhaps made the first step in learning pleasing ourselves
instead of pleasing others.
You have been either rebelling and doing everything you can do to
displease like many college kids do to their parents or up until now
you have been locked into conformity doing what others wanted
in order to please.
A word of caution here.
Do not switch your situation over to living strictly
to please your kids.
This is one of the worst moves you can make.
Another word of caution on the kids. Kids of divorce have a
feeling of emptiness because they have not yet developed
Lonely, bewildered divorced parents that enlist a child as a
confidant or security blanket are making things unfairly even more
difficult for the child.
It used to be that our ancestors
accepted misery as a natural state.
We no longer do.
We now have more options than any previous generation
We realize that we have a right to expect and seek
better than we have been getting.
Many people are dissatisfied with their life and they
remove what they consider as the offenders.
But often it does not help because we just have
not mastered the art of learning to be happy and
rather than change things we very often
need to change ourselves most of all.
- The job is changed,
- Get rid of the spouse,
- Change occupations
- Move to a new area
- Or whatever
Many have been living to be happy when they finish
school, when they get married again or always sometime when
something is supposed to happen to make everyone happy
in the future.
You have been looking at happiness as
something that is going to happen sometime in the
You have been waiting for this happiness as something
that is going to happen sometime in the future, not
something you do.
Happiness should start
Have happy days as you go, means happy years and a happy
You have all the seeds of happiness.
You have been waiting for permission to be happy.
on your own and you alone can give yourself permission to be happy
and live a full life.
This is one of your new choices.
You must choose deliberately to set a course for
Up until now you have had someone to blame and
that's the easy thing to do--rather than take responsibility for
our own lives.
When you make yourself feel bad you say you couldn't help
yourself when, in fact, you
So you have now come to the
crossroads of life.
Am I going to put myself up or am I going
to put myself down?
Are you going to program your subconscious to work
for or against you?
How many people do you know who are literally their own worst
They do not need anyone to do bad things to them, They do bad things to themselves!
They are programmed to do things to themselves............
You are constantly putting yourself down,
incorrectly concluding you must be inferior or that there
is something wrong with you.
.............that makes them feel bad instead of things
that make them happy.
If you can't find anything, then you worry about things that
don't even exist.
Yet you shut out and do not dwell on all the great things
There are some people, of course, who tune out and refuse to
admit they have faults.
They have to pretend they are perfect for fear they may be nothing
but faults if you ever get started on that.
They literally refuse to look at themselves.
They are perfect but there is something wrong with everyone
You must be able to look at and admit the ways you
are putting yourself down.
We need and search for
recognition from others when the most important thing is to give
Give yourself the recognition you
deserve when you do something you are proud of.
Dwell on it and bask in it.
You need to learn to really feel good about yourself.
Take time right here to make a list on paper of your
Think about that!
Now that's not a bad record, is it?
You're really a pretty
You have every right to be here and you haven't tapped a
fraction of your real potential to this point in time.
You have been held back by some cross programming, an
Almost like having the air conditioner and the furnace on at
the same time.
Change the negative programming and you can
be a real moving person without that inner You can, as they say, "have it all together!"
From here on you are going to stop doing what makes you
feel good inside or out and start doing things that make you feel
good about yourself.
Meet your own expectations--feel good about having
.......... Don't put things off.
You gratify your whole self by taking care of your
responsibilities toward others as well.
You are, however, becoming self centered enough to care
about yourself and to really care for yourself.
You are now making choices and accepting responsibility for,
choosing your own best interests.
When you make choices you will have conflicts.
Do I want to take a job?
Yes, however, do I want to put the kids in the nursery?
By now you realize that freedom means that you are not totally
free! No freedom is free from external influences.
You are free when you
accept responsibility for your choices and the choices you make
are for your own self interests.
Up until now you have been giving yourself sort of a
negative programming. . . which your subconscious then tries to
You say, "I am a slob, I do everything wrong, I will never do any
Your subconscious is basically a goal seeking mechanism that
accepts without question what you give it.
Most of the advisor and success book writers have been advocating
for years that you get to your subconscious mind with positive
suggestions, getting up in the morning saying over several times to
yourself, "every day in every way I am getting better and
better," or reading little cards you have placed all over that
say,"By January 1, I will have reached my goal which is
Then, after doing this over and over, your subconscious accepts
it and you start doing the right things to accomplish it instead
of acting on all the negative suggestions you have been giving
Self-hypnosis is similar but more of a shortcut to change
your subconscious programming.
This is a form of magic of believing: if you can get your
subconscious mind to accept that you are a great (whatever) it will
set to work to make you a great (whatever) it is you want.
If, as a parent, you believe and keep telling your child how
smart they are in school they will live up to that.
If you keep telling them they are dumb they will live up to
Friends will negative program you also with negative
statements you accept, such as if three people in a row tell you in the
morning that you look ill, they claim that you'll go home sick by noon.
However, from now on you will tune out and not be affected by
rejections or negative suggestions.
You will be doing your own positive adjusting.
Do you really want to move on
to a better life?
Right now we will discuss more on the necessity and the practical
side of changing your programming or your reaction to things
that have happened or that do happen.
You have seen people have a breakup or rejection so to speak
that absolutely crushed one person.
You have also seen someone else that was just as deeply involved
survive a similar situation with very little problem.
The difference was in programming or how they
rationally look at the happening.
Your attitude about
divorce and your present attitude about life in general will be a
determining factor on your learning to adjust to a happy single
Your subconscious programming will need to be changed to
change your life for the better and to function and react happily to
One of your major problems now in developing new friends, and
relationships, for example, will be your fear of rejection.
This will be one example of a program change you need to
make in your subconscious.
Somewhere along the line by your divorce or perhaps somewhere as
far back as childhood your subconscious accepted the statement or
thought that to be rejected is horrible and it is terribly depressing.
This is the way this looks on paper:
It ruins my whole day, week or month to be put down.
Put down or rejection I am depressed because I was
How you act to events is your programming on attitude about the
HAPPENING.... Being put down,
PROGRAMMING To Be Rejected =
I Am Depressed
Divorce Is Horrible, It Is the End-Of-The-world.
Put Down... Everybody Is rejected, I Am Still Happy!
Divorce, 50% Get Divorced and People Get Rejected Every Day.
.................It Is Normal.
There Are Lots Of people........
Who Don't Reject me.
This is the way your mind processes the happening and it
follows the programming your subconscious has been given and has
accepted the predictable result.
By changing your programming to "rejection is routine and
happens to everyone." I now sluff it off and go on to bigger and
Rejection doesn't bother me.
Changing this programming will be necessary for you to be able
to develop new relationships easily.
So you must decide--is your present programming hurting
Odds are it is and you need to change it.
You have been afraid to meet new people because you were
afraid of rejection,
You're afraid to meet new people--"nobody can say they rejected
me." Learn to take risks.
Change your programming so you can accept rejection as
routine and go on from there.
Then you will be able to meet new people without being afraid.
Some of your programming that needs changing was put there by
the church over and over telling you something you accept that is
Christians always suffer; therefore, I should suffer.
You must believe in sacrificing.
A Christian is a giving person.
You must as a christian
expect to suffer when you do something bad like getting
Do not be selfish and do things just for your own benefit
We sometimes interpret this to mean no self-interest. We have
been just giving and our programming is that we must be
"sacrificing" our interests and pleasures for others.
We do not know how to take. Just giving constantly our
bucket runs dry.
You do not exist to live through others.
This is the biggest programming mistake of all.
That will need to be changed to live happily as a
Some Christian programming, if accepted non-critically and
literally, can cause us some problems.
Divorce counselors can cite you several problems as a
result of church repetitive statements that are accepted
non-critically and incorrectly becoming part of your programming that
affects your functioning happily as a single.
It is how this is applied to your present situation that
presents the problem.
Your church can be a strong foundation for your
re-adjustment and we are in no way knocking that.
Only some programming here that can and does make it almost
impossible to have a happy single life unless it is corrected.
If you can afford to take two or three years to adjust you
will eventually rationally correct it.
You can, however, do it sooner, if you realize what old
programming is causing your unhappiness.
Next issue we will discuss where you are going and how to
set goals to get there.
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