divorce recovery online









 support group

Part 8

Rejection:  Good or bad?

Where do you fit in the singles’ pecking order?

Harlan Jacobsen Copyright © 2003

 

               If you see yourself as miserable, you will only be comfortable with miser-ables.

               YOU WILL BE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH HAPPY PEOPLE.  Remember the old “Birds of a feather flock to-gether’?  If you do get something going with a happy high self-esteem person, you won’t reject them, you will sabotage the relationship.

               WHO OR WHAT TYPES RE-JECT YOU?  You need to know how high you are on the desirability scale.  Others decide how desirable you are by the fol-lowing clues you give them.

                1.  APPEARANCE

                              a.  Raw appearance

                              b.  How you dress

                              c.  Would they be proud to be seen with you?

                2.  ATTITUDES

                      Disposition, very important.

                3.  HANG-UPS

                      Distortions

                4.  HOW HIGH THE SELF-

                     ESTEEM.  How much need                                 for approval.

                5.  IN CHARGE OF THEM-

                    SELVES.  Not trying to                                    please the world, only

                     themselves.

                6.  SMILE OR MAGNETIC

                     PERSONALITY

                7.  CARRIAGE

                8.  SOCIAL POSITION

                9.  MONEY, OR LACK OF IT

               10.  SEX - —HAVE IT

                     TOGETHER

               11.  SEX APPEAL

               12.  OTHERS DESIRE THEM

 

               We talk about the pecking order in the singles hen house to help you under-stand how and where you fit into the dat-ing scene.  Your desirability, your attitude and other factors determine where you fit.

               In a hen house there is a social pecking order.  One hen pecks on all the other hens.  The one on the bottom of the order is pecked on by all the other chickens.  Those half-way up the pecking order peck on certain hens and are pecked on by certain hens.  All is quiet in the hen house because everybody knows the pecking order.  Throw a new hen in the hen house and there is great fluttering and squawking until the new hen establishes where she fits in the pecking order.

               When you first enter the Singles Hen House, you will be under considerable stress because you do not know where you fit in the pecking order.  So with some turmoil you go into the Singles Hen House (where together singles are) and find out where you fit.

               If you go out to meet and develop a relationship with the top chicken (most desirable) you may or may not get shot down (rejected).  Odds are you will get shot down.  So then you try to develop some kind of a relationship with the bot-tom chicken (least desirable), and chances are you succeed.  So then you try further up and further up the desirability level available there until you start getting shot down regularly.  Soon you will have established pretty well what your pecking order is.  Some groups, you may be num-ber one chicken, others half way down, etc.  You will soon know your capabilities and desirability and going out with singles will no longer be stressful.

               Postponing going out and find out how you fit in the single scene just creates anxiety.  “Will I ever be accepted by any top chickens?  Will anybody accept me?”

               Now where you start out in the pecking order is not where you have to stay.  You can change it.  The important thing to remember is YOU HAVE TO BE REJECTED A LOT TO FIND OUT WHAT YOUR REAL DATING CAPABILITIES ARE.  You’ll never know where your top capabilities are unless you are rejected a lot.  Dating way below your desirability level will certainly cut down on rejection but keeps you from dating the really desirable people you want to date.

               You need to practice being re-jected so you get a higher percentage of non-rejection higher on the desirability index of datable people.  As a rule, you need to keep being rejected at least 25% of the time you are asking for dances, dates, etc. or you are probably dating below your level of capability.  No need to ask latest sexy movie babe to go to coffee, she’ll reject me.  Try Susie Klutz.  IF YOU HARDLY EVER GET REJECTED, YOU ARE NOT DATING UP TO LEVEL.

               If you are a salesman selling only the small accounts, nobody wants or com-petes with you for that business.  You don’t get turned down much, but you don’t get much when you succeed either.  A recent scientific study discovered the determining factor in the pecking order in the orangutan cage.  They discovered the male orangutan with the bluest pos-terior had first choice of the lady orangutans, got to eat first, etc., etc.  So they took the male at the bottom of the peck-ing order and painted his posterior a bright blue.  Overnight he became number one orangutan.  He really enjoyed it but as his paint faded and he kept slipping lower and lower in the pecking order, he became neurotic.

               We don’t know if painting your posterior will help, but we do know that to find out where you fit you have to get out there and flutter about and mix with a lot of people to know your real capabilities.

               YOU WILL TEND TO FALL IN LOVE WHEN YOU DEVELOP A RE-LATIONSHIP THAT YOU FEEL IS ABOUT AS HIGH ON THE SCALE OR PECKING ORDER AS YOU ARE EVER GOING TO BE ABLE TO DATE.

               To get to your maximum capability and date the really good ones you want to date means you need to be rejected a lot to really find that top capability.  You will often be amazed how high on the dating desirability list you can date when you are not afraid  and  can readily accept rejection. 

More next issue.

 

SIDEBAR

 

Why you need good self-esteem

 

               As an exercise we suggest at this point you get out a sheet of paper and write a resume of ‘why it would be good to know me.’  Decide if you are really worth knowing.  If you reject yourself, how can others accept you?

               GET HIGH SELF-ESTEEM.  Believe you are worthwhile.  People with low self-esteem are not bad, they just think they are.  It is hard to develop high self-esteem when you look in the mirror and say ‘Blah!’  You decide you are undesirable.

               How could anyone possibly like shoddy, ineffectual, defective, ugly me?  Now, if you can learn how to develop high self-esteem, that will help a lot.  There are a lot of kind, generous, won-derful people who have low self-esteem.

               However, if you still think you are defective, don’t give up.  GOOD NEWS.  There is someone out there - no matter how rotten, awful, sloppy, wicked, amoral or depraved you think you are—  - someone will accept and appreciate you just the way you are.

               When you have low self-esteem, you are going to statistically need to meet many times as many to find one who accepts you, compared to when you have high self-esteem.  But you can and will meet someone.

               AND NOW THE BAD NEWS:  You probably won’t like them.  Those who will accept a person with low self-esteem probably won’t be the type you would like.  In addition you may feel that anybody who could accept anyone as defective as you feel you are just isn’t worth your respect, etc. If you see your-self as miserable and defective, you will accept and be accepted only by other people who feel they are miserable and defective.

    

Rejection Article  

#1   #2   #3   #4   #5   #6   #7   #9 

 

Tell Your Divorced Or Widowed Friends About This Article And Site, Send Them This Page Or If They Do Not Have A PC, Print Out The Article For Them
Where do you fit in the singles’ pecking order?  
Send this article to a friend
Read over 300 "Life Changing" recovery articles, click here


Top of Page ||  Divorce Recovery 101 Index
 
Site Map - Content List  || AZ Single Scene  ||  Country Singles ||  Single Life Coach  || Dating Again 101 || Subscribe to our Free Newsletter

* Free 5 Day Email Divorce Course, of "Moving on to a great new life", click here

*  For a Free Email 8 Day Course on Dating "Get Going"  to a better life, click here