Good or bad?
Are these rejection myths stopping
Harlan Jacobsen Copyright © 2003
REJECTION SAVES TIME AND FEELINGS.
If you don’t reject someone you don’t care for, you have a
problem. If you reject
someone and they are upset, they have a problem.
How do you reject someone at a dance, for example, when they pull
up a chair and they camp with you. Say,
‘I came to meet and dance with a lot of different people and when you
sit there with me all evening no one asks me to dance because they feel
you and I are getting married (that word scares them).
Why don’t you catch me for a dance later?’
Another example—They keep calling to ask you out and you give
them the typical ‘I’m busy.’ Wrong. For the right way we recommend what we call a Sandwich—3
nice positive things about them, The Zinger (limitation), and one more
positive. Let’s say you
have been dating someone and you want to end it.
positive—You and I have had some great times together and I enjoy being
positive—You are certainly a fun person and have a great sense of humor.
3. Third positive—I
have a great deal of respect for you and what you are doing.
4. Zinger—But I have
decided that our relationship is not going anywhere and as a result I am
going to stop dating you.
5. Last positive—You
are one of the nicest people I have ever dated and I would like to always
keep you as a friend.
How can they not agree and say yes to that?
Another example: if
someone says, ‘I’D LIKE TO HAVE YOUR PHONE NUMBER.’
You give him the Dial-a-Prayer number or your number when you have
no intention or desire to ever date them.
WRONG. Instead use
this: —’You seem like a nice person and probably fun and good
to know, but I really can’t keep up with the people calling me now.
So I am not giving out my number any more for a period of time.
It is a compliment you asked.
Should you give out your phone number?
No, not unless you can hardly wait till they call or you have
nothing else going. SHOULD
YOU ACCEPT SOMEONE NOT TOO BAD AND GIVE OUT YOUR NUMBER WHEN YOU HAVE
NOTHING ELSE GOING? Yes, you
should. You don’t have to marry them.
Remember author George Bach’s thing that 80% of big relationships
there was no initial attraction. Get
some things happening. PRACTICE,
PRACTICE, PRACTICE. Not only
practice rejecting but practice accepting and rejecting later after it is
apparent it is not up to your expectations.
Some of us are actually AFRAID OF BEING ACCEPTED; you unwittingly
ask for rejection when you are:
Afraid of being hurt again,
Don’t want to give up your freedom,
You don’t want to try to live up to someone’s needs, demands
You don’t have to pretend you like camping out or hockey or
whatever when you don’t.
Quite often singles come into a group and say, ‘Lets’ go. There is no one here’ despite the fact that there are 50
people there. They reject
everybody. Nobody is good
enough. All Creeps.
Until I really meet someone special I reject everybody.
Eighty percent of the specials you’ll never get to meet that way,
according to Bach, because you won’t know they are special.
Like the artist that says, ‘Boy, all these scenes are imperfect.
Something wrong with them all.
I’ll never paint until I find the perfect scene.’
After years and years of looking and looking, one day he finally
found the perfect scene to paint. What
happened? He didn’t remember or know how to paint.
You need to be mingling and practicing with all of us imperfects so
IF Mr. or Ms. Perfect should come along you will really know how to paint.
ONCE YOU KNOW YOU ARE OKAY, whether that’s by others or by
getting yourself together, then you don’t have to have other validate
you as okay. Otherwise when
they unplug from your battery (and they all will) your emotional battery
will be flat again.
You can learn to be real. You
don’t have to pretend you like camping out or hockey or whatever when
you don’t. You have time
confusion when you are in a low, run down emotional battery state.
You think it will always be this way.
You want an instant relationship.
Your aloneness seems to drag into an eternity. You want everyone to accept you right off.
You’ll spend $30 on a hairdo, do everything you can think of
because you say, ‘They just have to like me.’
You go out and you get rejected and then you give up.
You feel it’s better to give up than go out and get rejected
again. So you stay home and
buy a pussy cat.
YOUR EXPECTATIONS ARE WRONG. You
need to be and know you will be rejected by nearly everybody but not
always everybody. The more
you are rejected the closer you are to getting to the law of averages and
those few who do accept you as you are.
YOUR BALONEY —OR UNREALISTIC REJECTION EXPECTATIONS— ARE:
1. EVERYONE SHOULD
LIKE ME. That’s wrong. Only one of 500 will really accept you.
2. ONCE SOMEBODY
ACCEPTS ME THEY SHOULD ACCEPT ME FOREVER.
That’s wrong. Everything
is temporary. To expect
otherwise is wrong. People
accept you one day at a time. They
change, you change. If it
lasts one hour, one day, one week, one year, THAT’S GOOD, for however
long it lasts.
3. IF I WAS DESIRABLE
OR ANY GOOD PEOPLE WOULDN’T REJECT ME.
Because you are usually rejected you decide you must be no good or
defective. Rejection usually
has nothing to do with your okayness.
4. BECAUSE THEY
REJECTED YOU TODAY THEY REJECTED YOU FOREVER.
Wrong. Rejection is
5. REJECTION WILL
ALWAYS BOTHER ME. Wrong.
You can change your programming to where rejection is your friend
and you welcome it. If you
have read the previous two articles, this one and the final installment
next issue, practiced rejecting and being rejected, you will soon discover
rejection is not longer a problem for you.
Tell Your Divorced Or Widowed Friends About This Article And Site, Send Them This Page Or If They Do Not Have A PC, Print Out The Article For Them