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Part 4

Rejection:  Good or Bad?

What to do when nobody likes you

Harlan Jacobsen Copyright © 2003

 

  Remember:  he who rejects you does you a favor.

               He who pretends to accept or conditionally accepts you wastes your time.

               Rejection is your friend and ally.

 

You go to a doctor:

 SYMPTOM    CURE           REAL PROBLEM

 Headache       Super Aspirin   Need glasses

 Depressed       Tranquilizers   Your battery is dead,                                                        (or booze)                   nothing to look forward

                                                    to, anger turned inward.

 Rejection hurts               Stay home     Dire need for approval

 

               How did you get into this “rejection” problem of yours anyway?  Your parents said, “loving yourself is selfish.  You’re conceited, a braggart.”  Your church said putting you first was sinful.  Your parents also said to put others ahead of you, then you are a good person.  The Message was we (adults) are important, you (as a kid) don’t count.  Others are significant, you are insigni-ficant.  Other people’s judgement is important, yours is not.

               If you do that or are bad, people won’t like you.  Your internal conclusion - if people don’t like you, you must be bad or defective.

               YOUR VERY OKAYNESS HAS BEEN TIED UP IN OTHER’S APPROVAL.

               Then you got divorced—I was liked by one person, now by nobody.  The one person that really knew me has rejected me.

               I must be absolutely no good, absolutely nobody likes me.

               Three hundred million people didn’t reject you when you got divorced; only one did.

               Bad news though; probably most of the other 300 million wouldn’t like you either—  AND THAT’S OKAY TOO.  IT HAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR OKAYNESS.

               One of the biggest negative results of divorce is that most feel:  I was rejected; therefore I have low self-esteem.  When I have low self- esteem I just plain think I am no damn good.  When I am at that point,

               1.  I am scared to death of rejection because it confirms “I am no damn good.”

               2.  Prevents you from asking for anything at all.

               3.  Makes you feel guilty and personally responsible for everything bad.

               IT CAUSES YOU TO REJECT propositions, compliments, phone calls, dates, dance, etc. etc.  HOW-EVER, IT CAUSES YOU TO ACCEPT A MARRIAGE PROPOSAL because a marriage proposal is a significant stamp of approval of your “okayness.”

               LOW SELF-ESTEEM DEFINITION:  You don’t like yourself.  That does not mean you are bad.  It only means you think you are, which is not the same thing.

               Giving, or accepting, love from others is directly related to how you see yourself.  You do not have to be wonderful to have high self- esteem.  You only have to think or know you are wonderful.

               You are the world’s greatest expert on you.  (Also the greatest critic.)  When you think you are great, others believe and agree with you, because you are the world’s leading expert on you.  If you think you are no good, others believe you.  You’re the world’s greatest expert on you.

               WHEN YOU KNOW YOU ARE GOOD STUFF, YOU PUNCH YOUR OWN TICKET.  When you think you are a junk person, a throw away ready for the scrap heap, then you go around looking for someone to punch your ticket to be recycled.  WHEN YOU REJECT ME, YOU REFUSE TO PUNCH MY TICKET TO BE RECYCLED.

               So you see you are insisting that someone else stamp you okay to be recycled, when by your very insis-tence that they do that you are saying, “I think I’m junk.  Will you stamp me okay for recycling?  That person says, “How can I stamp you okay?  I don’t even know you.  You know yourself and you give off a radar that says you are junk, so I have to go along with that and stamp you “no good junk person” too.”

               Now I am really sure I’m no good.  —I think I am no good.  —You get that message and accept it.  —You stamp me no good, and around and around it goes getting worse all the time.

               CHANGE YOUR OPINION ABOUT YOURSELF.

               I really know me and I know I’m OK.  You have a problem —going around stamping people no good you don’t even know.  —I think I am good.  —You got a prob-lem and stamp me no good.  —Doesn’t bother me; I know you don’t really know me, or you wouldn’t stamp me no good or you have a problem.

               OR:

               Now I have more evidence I’m okay—.  Some others agree.  —I think I am good.  —I take your judgement since you’re the expert on you.  I’ll stamp you okay too.  —I don’t have to waste a lot of time trying to get you to like me and stamp me okay.

               DIFFERENCE:  I DESIRE AND WANT YOU TO LIKE ME, BUT IT IS NOT A NECESSITY, BECAUSE I ALREADY KNOW I’M OK.

               We all enjoy compliments, praise, applause, acceptance.  That’s okay, that’s healthy.  It’s unhealthy when it is a necessity.  You adapt your behavior and do weird things to get it.  You collapse if you don’t get it.

               What has happened is that other people’s view of you has become more important than your own.  This is a psychological dead end.  Your behavior and what you do and how you do it are controlled outside yourself.  The more you need and demand acceptance the more you can be manipulated.  You need approval so badly they can get you to sit up and say bow-wow.

               GIVE UP ON YOUR INSISTENCE THAT OTHERS SHOULD APPROVE AND ACCEPT YOU.  THEY SHOULD NOT.  They can only accept, —really approve, —a few people.  They don’t have time to really get to know and accept everyone.

               It’s like everybody has a stove with a limited number of burners.  Today all their burners are full.  Tomorrow someone may have moved off a burner, so now they have one empty and they can accept you.  You may be on a back burner for a while and if a front burner becomes empty, they may move you up.  If your time is right, you might land right on a front burner if they have one open right now. 

               But if their burners are full today, then they have to reject you.  Tomorrow you will not give them another chance to “hurt” you again.  If you are hurt by rejection, you miss out on a lot of good relationships because you won’t try again, when they may have a burner empty.

               Eighty per cent of big relationships, —according to Dr. George Bach’s research, —had no initial attraction.  It grows later.  For some products or services, some salesman find their most productive call or sales attempt is on the third call.  When I was in my twenties I was a sales manager so I see similarities in being single.  These salesmen find that initially on first impression there is little interest on their prospect’s part in doing business with their firm.

              

THE SALESMAN WHO HAS A 3 CALL PRODUCT:

100 calls               first call                               sells 5

100 calls               second call         sells 10

100 calls               third call         sells 20

100 calls               fourth call         sells 10

100 calls               fifth call                              sells 5

100 calls                sixth call         sells 2

               You are very likely a three call product.

               You’ll note that even the 4th call is better than new prospects.

               Remember:  some flashy, popular, buy-on-sight big sellers are in the trash can a week later.  If you are selling a three call product and you only get rejected once, you are going to have to do an awful lot of prospecting.  You need to decide, how hard is it to find prospects?  Is your time better spent with people who have already rejected (not accepted) you, making the third or fourth call, or is your time better spent prospecting?

               Just like the salesman who must be sold on his product, so you must be sold on you.   

               (Next issue:  Assessing your self-esteem.)

Rejection Article  

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