Rejection - Good or bad
Who is in charge of your happiness?
Harlan Jacobsen Copyright ©
According to Dyer in his book Erroneous Zones, “75% of people are
externally oriented,” (and consequently torn up by rejection).
They have an “approval demand” and they collapse if they do not
get it. They become
immobilized. They feel they
must have approval; in fact, they have what I call a “dire need for
Dyer says the other 25% are “internally oriented.”
These people are not really affected one way or the other by
rejection. They of course want
approval but they don’t NEED it.
What the 75% are saying is —other people’s view of them is more
important than their own.
They don’t trust their okayness.
They feel they have to check it out with people every day and have
someone stamp them “OK”. If
they are rejected, to them that means they are no good.
They give control of their feelings, attitude and well-being over to
people on their outside. How
things go today is not under their control because they give it over to be
determined by “people out there.” They
feel lousy, hurt, depressed, because others failed to accept them.
Now they blame their feelings— or how they are getting along—on
what someone out there did. Their
life is not working and they blame it on “someone out there” again. They didn’t decide to feel bad; someone out there didn’t
accept them and “made them” feel bad.
In contrast the 25% take total responsibility for their feelings, and
how things are going for them is not determined by someone else.
If you say your ex is making you unhappy then you have given over
control of your happiness to someone else.
You should be in charge of your happiness, not give that control to
someone else. You decide, not
letting them decide. “Them”
is anyone on the outside.
Dyer lists this interesting sequence of rejection in his book
She didn’t like me.
I feel no good.
I feel no good because she didn’t like me.
I am no good because she didn’t like me.
I feel no good because she didn’t like me.
I feel no good because I am no good.
I am no good because she doesn’t like me.
She doesn’t like me because I am no good.
This apparently is what goes on in your mental computer that uses
this type of logic to figure out that when you are rejected (she didn’t
like me), that you are no good as a result.
If you are one of the 75% who are externally oriented I believe you
are demanding tribute from everyone.
Remember when you played king & queen when you were kids and you
de-manded the other kids bow down before you and some neighborhood brat
wouldn’t do it and it made you furious.
That demand for tribute is little kid stuff and you still have it.
Here is a quote from Dyer’s book that I think is important.
“Immunity from despair in the face of disapproval of others is the
ticket to a lifetime of delectable personal present moments of freedom.”
My translation: rejection
doesn’t bother me at all and it is my friend.
Change your programming about your dire need for approval and you
learn to like and even thrive on rejection.
Before we tell you how to do that, let’s look at Rejection as
You reject others every day. You
go by gas stations; you can’t stop at every station.
You don’t need that much gas and only a few accept your credit
card. Yet that gas station
owner has to feel rejected when you drove by, didn’t stop at his station
and you got your gas at some other station.
You drove by a hitchhiker and didn’t pick him up.
Now if you have ever hitchhiked, you know that’s rejection.
Here I am a nice person, I am not Jack the Ripper.
I am standing out there with my thumb out wanting and needing a ride.
You go right by me. You
Now, according to rejection theory I have to feel bad -- like there
must be something the matter with me. I
must look wicked, depraved, dangerous; in short I must be no good.
I really have no way of knowing you are only going three blocks more
and it wouldn’t do any good to pick me up; I don’t realize you have a
box of something on the passenger seat and there is not room for me.
Nor do I know or care that you have something very involved on your
mind and the fact I was standing there with my thumb out didn’t register.
Or maybe you have made a decision for some logical reason to never
pick up any hitchhikers no matter how
“super” they may be.
No matter —I was still
rejected and when you drove by me and didn’t stop and offer me a ride I
had a little twinge. So you
see, you do reject people every day. You
go by someone handing out circulars and you refuse to take one; you reject
them. You go in a store and
plow through a stock of neatly stacked shirts on sale.
You don’t buy one. You
really don’t care that the salesperson doesn’t make any commission
because you didn’t buy one and that the salesgirl has to stack them back
So rejection is normal and you reject hundreds of people regularly,
refusing to look them in the eye, smile or acknowledge them or speak, etc.
Let’s just say I am a big white well-used and maintained ’85
Cadillac convertible. I am very
classy, and I’m expensive. I ride nice and I look great.
Out of the entire population, only a very small percentage are
currently looking or open to the idea of buying a car today.
99/100 are not interested in any
different car than what they have today.
Some have a car but are open to a different one if it hits them as
special or the old one is giving them trouble.
Of the small percentage— -- half of 1% —who are in the market for
a car today, only a tiny percentage are interested spec-ifically in a used
Cadillac. Of those inter-ested
or open to buying a Cadillac only a small percentage of them are actually
inter-ested in a convertible. Of
those interested in a Cadillac convertible some will not be interested in a
white Cadillac convertible. They
want one with a different color.
Some will be attracted initially but decide they really shouldn’t
after remembering that convertibles are cold in the winter.
You have to keep replacing the top and it is expensive.
That the price of gas is going up and they probably couldn’t afford
the gas for a Cadillac. They may remember that convertibles are more dangerous in an
accident and reject me even though they were attracted to me initially.
But as a self-confident Cadillac I know I am okay and desirable to a
few people. So when thousands
of people drive by me here on the corner and show no interest it doesn’t
bother me. Now the blue
Chevrolet two-door next to me is getting terribly depressed that hardly
anyone is interested and they are all driving by.
But a few do stop now and again.
A few slam the doors. A
few kick the tires. Some will
even ask and take me for a test drive.
They leave and I never see them again.
So let’s talk about you now.
Out of the population about 42% are single.
Of the singles there are only a few currently looking for a
Their needs are already being met and are not open to a different
They have decided not to have a car (relationship) for awhile.
C. They have a car
(relationship) and may consider something different if it really strikes
their fancy and happens to appear at the right time, such as their old one
develops a new clunk in the motor or starts giving them trouble or lets them
down in some way.
If you are about the right year and model, those few who are looking
for a relationship today happen to notice you (you need to be on a good
corner and have an ad running), a few will slam your doors (get acquainted a
little, —talk to you). Some
will kick your tires (ask a lot of mutual questions.)
Some will ask or show interest in dating you, taking you on a test
Nearly all who do will not come back for a variety of reasons, almost
all because of their problems or needs, not yours.
And if you know you are okay, then you know it’s that they have a
The fact they don’t keep you has nothing to do with your being a
good, desirable car. Car
dealers know that this ’85 Cadillac may not find a buyer -- some-one who
really goes bananas and can’t live without this Cadillac --
the first day but they know someone will come along who likes it just
the way it is in a reasonable period of time.
The car dealer knows that no matter how long it takes to move it off
the lot, there will be somebody who comes back after getting their situation
together and now want the ’85 Cadillac but it has already been snapped up.
That’s the way it is in the used car business; seems like nobody
can make up their mind for a while and then suddenly about the same time a
whole bunch decide they want a certain car.
And that’s about the way it is with being single the second time
around. It seems no one is
interested no matter what you do and then all of a sudden everybody seems to
be interested at the same time.
So you see, rejection is normal and it really isn’t a problem.
If you consider it a problem, it is a phoney problem.
Real problems have real solutions.
Rejection turmoil is all in your head and of your own making.
It is what I call a Baloney, or mistaken unreal problem.
YOU ALREADY KNOW AND REALIZE:
1. Rejection is normal
and necessary. You reject
people all day long—you won’t look at them, acknowledge them with a
smile, nothing. You reject them.
2. You don’t even
acknowledge to most people that they exist.
3. It has little or
nothing to do with whether you are okay or they are okay.
It is just the way things are and the way people have to operate.
Next issue: What’s your programming?
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