Ian Crabtree is a 45 year old Software Developer living in
San Diego. He has been divorced for 1 year after being married for
22 years and helping to raise a son who is finishing up high school.
In his free time he enjoys traveling, photography, cooking, dancing
and hiking. He never considered himself a writer and still remembers
the words of his 7th grade English teacher after grading his first
paper, "who told you that you could
Before I start let me introduce myself. My name is Ian and my letter was
included in issue #31 of Divorce Recovery 101, go here.
With the introduction out of the way, lets get started on today's topic,
Misconception #18 "Friends think my spouse made a fool of me"
I have been divorced a year and I will be speaking about what I have
learned in that year.
Since I will be writing from my experience I chose to write in the first
Let me offer a word of encouragement to those of you in pain, take heart
it is possible to recovery; if you really want it, you will achieve it.
One short year ago I was in intense pain and today I enjoy my life more
than I ever have. Is my life perfect, no, am I happy all the time, no,
do I miss living with someone, yes (but not my ex wife), do I believe
that if I choose I will be married again one day, yes.
A dear friend told me
last year "in 5 years you will look back fondly at this period of
your life" at the time I thought he was crazy but now I think he
might be right.
Now that you know a little about me, here is information on my topic,
what turns out to be a misconception "Friends think my spouse made a
fool of me".
For me this issue was about what I imagined reality to be not what it
really was. I think I was afraid of embarrassment; what will my friends
think of me getting a divorce, will they still care about me, will they
think I am a failure, what will my ex tell them about my failures?
I believe leaning on family and friends early in the divorce process was
one of the things, which made my recover happen as quickly as it did.
Somehow in my gut I knew this was right even at the beginning.
As a counter example I have a friend who didn't say anything to family
and friends for 18 months after her divorce process started and at the
3-year point she is about where I am after a year.
So I knew I had to confront my fear and embarrassment by telling them
what was going on.
What a surprise, not a single friend rejected me.
Every friend I contacted accepted what was happening without passing
judgment and wanted to keep the communications and friendship open.
The other surprise was how each friend reacted differently, some wanted
to talk about the divorce and be a sympathetic ear, some wanted to keep
talking on our normal superficial level, and some told me they couldn't
handle the emotions but would keep me occupied and distracted.
None of them acted as if my ex had told them terrible things about me,
even though I'm pretty sure she did. I kept in regular touch with all of them an kept within the boundaries they had set.
One year later most of those people are still friends.
I get together with them as a couple by myself or maybe I will just meet
the husband alone.
One curiosity is that my experience of keeping friends doesn't match
the normal pattern, most people loose all of there friends.
Why do I think my story is different?
Well, I regularly contacted everyone to keep them abreast of what was
happening in my life, I never tried to make them take sides against my ex,
I tried not to say anything bad about her in their presence.
I kept it about the pain I was going through, what I was doing to cope
and the new things I was trying and learning.
Don't get the idea I'm a latter day saint, my family and the friends who
didn't know her got an earful of how I was the maligned one.
As I started recovering I started letting everyone know all the positive
things, which were happening.
Another key is,
.....while family will put up with whining for a long time, a friend's
patience wears thinner quicker and with abandon you unless they can see
progress and that you are getting on with your life or trying to help
When this is the case they can't help sticking around because they want
to see how it all turns out.
Remember the following words of wisdom
"Laugh and the world laughs with you; cry and you cry alone.
- Horace (65-8 BC)".
I hope sharing my experience was a help.
Ian, THANKS FOR SHARING
Go here, to read
Ian's e-mail about his recovery.
Readers, Drop us a line any time, but especially,........
When you have been divorced one year, why don't you too drop us a line
and share with us and our readers, like Ian has, how it went for
you...when it got better, what helped , what really made a difference,
what worked, how it is going now.. etc.
Tell Your Divorced
Or Widowed Friends About This Article And Site
Keep Your Married
Send this article to a friend
Read over 300
"Life Changing" recovery articles, click here
of Page || Divorce
Recovery 101 Index
Divorce Adjustment Help
Free Divorce Newsletter
Sign Up Here
Free 5 Day Email Divorce Course
Sign Up Here
Read and Study 140+ "Life Changing" recovery articles,
Reprint Our Articles
1000 Helpful Single Life Links
Please tell us how we are doing.
Feel free to make suggestions
Do it here
How To Link To Us
Help Others Find This Site
Send This Page to "Divorcing Friends",
Read Letters From Divorced Folks Like Yourself,
is our site for those worked thru
their divorce and are working on a great new life as a single person,
Again 101 is our new site for help in getting back into the dating world
Sign up for
Free Dating Again newsletter of tips to help make new
relationships a part of your life. Edited by Harlan.
here to sign up