You the "Leavor" or the Leavee?
Harlan Jacobsen Copyright 2003

In determining which is what, the -or is always the  one "that does it to you".  The "ee" is always the one it is done to....  Example, Leasor, and Leasee.  The landlord is the one that does it to you, so you are the leasee...

You can probably come up with some others but that is how you tell which you are.

In this case the one that leaves the marriage is the leavor.  Now there are some divorces where the real marriage leavor does not have the guts to leave, so they just make it so miserable for the other person "result the other person leave and become the "leavor".  Then when things go badly for the leavor, they will just say...well your the one that wanted a divorce and left.

So disregarding the above, we have this discussion, about why the common leavor has it much easier working thru a divorce then the leavee. 

First of all, the leavor knows usually 6 months in advance and have made a tentative decision to get out, unbeknown to the leavee.  

The leavor is now open to trading up,  (newer model, more horsepower, more chrome, etc.) and sometimes makes the decision to start getting out of the marriage, because of the new model becoming suddenly available.

This goes on for some time and the leavor has lots of time to process the divorce and is often 6 months down the road getting their "leaving ducks" all lined up.  So for most practical purposes, you can say the leavor is normally 6 months down the road in adjusting to the divorce, before the leavee suddenly has it spring out of nowhere.

Now if the leavor has something all staked out and trading up, they do not have to sober up from a relationship addiction, like the leavee, because, quite often the leavor is just changing "booze", never having to sober up.

In contrast, the leavee, goes "cold turkey" having to suddenly get thru the pain of getting off of a severe relationship addiction.

They will holler and scream, cry and try anything to not to have to get off the addiction.(relationship).  They often will go into "denial", not able to admit to themselves that it is really happening.

Meanwhile, the leavor is moving on and having a big time with the newer improved model and everything seems to be going along fine for the leavor.

Occasionally, in fact quite often the new relationship, finds out leavor was not as advertised or whatever reason the new splits and leaves leavor "IN Shock". 

Often the leavor will crash and have more pain from involuntarily becoming a leavee now getting off this replacement addiction than the original  leavee ever had. 

Very often the leavor now the leavee will dash out and find another replacement and not have to sober up.

Most leavors will have something staked out or at least in their sights, before leaving, but some do not, they are just getting free and going to see "whats out there".

One thing that leavors sometimes have a lot of trouble dealing with is "guilt".  Depends a lot  on their upbringing.  They are sure they have made the right decision, and they have no intention of "ever" going back,  but they feel guilty about putting their ex thru so much pain so they decide if they throw out to them "a little hope" that they "might" under some circumstances"  could get back together, that this will ease the leavees pain. 

The best leavor, leaves and has no contact whatsoever.  This allows the leavee to "unhook", deal with reality and move on with their life. 

The one that does not have the courage to do that keeps stringing the leavee along, leading them to think it is not really over. The leavee concludes, maybe the leavor will get dumped by their new romance, or their new flings will not work out  and they will come running back.

So the leavee puts themself on "hold" and decides from this erroneous baloney the ex is giving them, given by the ex, (who feels guilty)  to ease the leavees pain,  is the straight dope and all they have to do is be "patient" and understanding.

Result, months or years later, still not worked thru the pain, foolishly still waiting for the ex to "come to their senses" and return.

The leavor who felt guilty has some scruples so they could not "just leave" they had to sell the leavee and themselves it was justified, that it was not their fault, that the marriage was ending. 

Therefore they do not leave until they have gathered enough evidence that the leavee was a defective person and/or a defective lover and spouse.  Just gathering this collection is not enough to get an ok from guilt feelings, they have to use it to convince the leavee that the leavee is no good and is at fault.

Once the leavee is convinced they are a no good spouse, lover, etc etc, then the leavor has an ok to themselves to  leave without guilt feelings.

However, now the leavee is left with very low self esteem.  They are convinced and feel they are totally unqualified to ever again have a meaningful relationship.  The "expert" who knew them best has totally convinced them, and proved it, not just by talk but actually  leaving.

The leavee is as a result, is now convinced they not only are mourning the loss of this relationship, they are mourning the loss of ever having another relationship,  Their leavor and their "last chance" romantic life,  both just walked out the door.

The leavor, has moved on, and found they do not have to deal with as much pain if they concentrate on  "whats new".  Very often they decide to not only have little or not contact with the ex, which is a good move to help them  progress from the pain however big or small of getting off of a long term relationship, they decide that little or no contact with their children helps them not "be reminded" of what was.

Also the leavor has "pain reoccurrence" every time they have to take the children "back".
This pain is often as severe as leavees divorce pain, and since seeing the children is an option, and in order not to have to deal with it, they drop or minimize contact with the children.

The more attached they were to the children, often the more they tend to "use this escape".  They just avoid seeing the children on the slightest excuse, to avoid dipping back into this severe emotional "tearing a part" every time, pain.

Unfortunately the children, as a result feel rejected, the leavee is further convinced the leavor was a heartless bum and not only did not care about them, did not care about the children either. etc.

The leavor often has escaped the extreme pain of leaving by going directly to a new relationship.  However the separation from the children, if that is the case, is very painful and the leavor feels totally powerless to do anything about it.  This is pain is often equal to the leavees "loss of an addictive relationship" pain.

The leavee is convinced the leavor feels no trauma from the death of the relationship. 
Rarely true.  Mixed emotions, elated one minute that they are free to get on with a new life, and depressed at the next minute over the loss of "what was" etc. and loss of the "children relationships," if that is the case.

If the new relationship ends and a replacement not readily available, the leavor often crashes to severe trauma worse than the leavee has had to go thru.

Most leavors, it turns out. have a big advantage in adjusting to this divorce, primarily because they usually had six months or more to adjust to the split and not leave til worked thru it.  They have been in control of their life and continue to be.   During this "working up to it" time they maintained a fairly normal relationship.  The leavee believes the relationship is going along as usual, or close so when this comes up, the leavee is in total surprise and shock.

The surprise makes the leavee feel their life has gone completely out of their control. 

The leavor in contrast, is in control of their life and continues to be on schedule "as planned".

Conclusion:  The leavor has a "less pain and trauma" advantage.

 

 

 

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Being the "Leavor" or the Leavee?

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