Discipline With Teaching, Love
Guest Author, Anne Kass, - a retired District Judge of Albuquerque, New Mexico

Disciplining children of divorce is a common topic of disagreement in custody cases.

Often the parents operate at opposite extremes. One is abusively strict, the other dangerously permissive. Generally, each needs to change his or her own method of discipline, but typically, each will try to change the other while denying his or her own flaws! They come to Court to enlist the Court's power to try to force the other parent to change.

Over the years I have heard many child development experts testify about good parenting skills, including discipline. Their advice is often wise.

Most frequently, experts say that parents should remember that the word "discipline" comes from the root "disciple" which mean to teach in a loving way. Too many parents seem to believe that discipline means forcing children to do what the parents want them to do, often using coercion. Threatening is not teaching in a loving way. Nor is bribing, hitting or ridiculing.

It is apparent to those who spend their lives studying these matters that the single most used word to discipline is "don't", but these experts say, "don't" is a word that should be used rarely, if at all. Rather than telling children what NOT TO DO, parents should tell children what TO DO

For example, instead of telling a child, "Don't throw things;" tell the child, "Let's figure out a safe place where you can throw things." Or, rather than say, "Don't run;" say, "Use your walking legs in the house and your running legs outside." Children are less likely to misbehave when they focus on positives and what they can do.

Experts have explained that children misbehave for one of three reasons:

1. They seek revenge. If they've been hurt or humiliated by inappropriate discipline, they will be angry, and angry people seek revenge.

2. They want attention. Children need and deserve their parents' attention. The solution is to catch them being good and to give them praise and attention then.

3. They are immature. Often a child simply doesn't know a better way to behave. The parent's job is to teach. Sometimes a child is just doing what is developmentally appropriate. For example, when a two-year-old throws things, he is appropriately learning how to grasp and release objects. It's a two-year-old's job, if you will, to throw things, which is why saying "don't throw" is counterproductive. Figuring out and teaching the youngster a safe place and time for throwing things is much more effective and wise.

It is easier and quicker to say "don't" than to think of a positive solution. It's also easier and quicker to use threats. However, one thing has become clear to me from listening to child development experts. Punitive, coercive discipline may bring about immediate, dramatic changes in a child's behavior, but the long-term consequences are always negative. Physical or emotional punishment do not motivate a child to do the right thing or teach self-discipline. To achieve those long-term results, parents must teach in a loving way.




For more Anne Kass articles, go here to select from complete list of 97 articles

For listing of over 200 helpful staff articles on Divorce, go here

Home

 


 

Tell Your Divorced Or Widowed Friends About This Article And Site, Send Them This Page Or If They Do Not Have A PC, Print Out The Article For Them
Discipline With Teaching, Love 
Send this article to a friend
Read over 300 "Life Changing" recovery articles, click here

Top of Page ||  Divorce Recovery 101 Index

Divorce
Recovery 101 .com
Divorce Recovery Support Group With Divorce Help, Advice, Tips, Divorce Law, Statistics And Information


Divorce Adjustment Help
Home



Divorce Recovery Site Map
Divorce Recovery
Site Map



Divorce Questions and Answers

Divorce Questions
& Answers
Read and/or Submit



Personal Message?
Personal Message?
CONTACT US


Online Support Friends Singles Chat
Online Support Friends Singles Chat



Free Divorce Newsletter
Free Divorce Newsletter
Sign Up Here


Free 5 Day Email Divorce Course
Free 5 Day Email Divorce Course
Sign Up Here


 Life Changing Recovery Articles
Read and Study over 300 "Life Changing" recovery articles, click here


Privacy Policy Reprint Our Articles
Reprint Our Articles
Information Here



1000 Helpful Single Life Links
1000 Helpful Single Life Links
go here



About Us
About Us
go here



Feel free to make suggestions
Please tell us how we are doing.
Feel free to make suggestions
Do it here



Help Others Find This Link To Us
How To Link To Us
Help Others Find This Site



Send This Page to "Divorcing Friends"
Send This Page to "Divorcing Friends",
easy form



Read Letters From Divorced Folks
Read Letters From Divorced Folks Like Yourself,
Read Mail




working on a great  as a single person
Single Life Coach  
is our site for those worked thru their divorce and are working on a great new life as a single person



Dating Again 101

Dating Again 101 is our new site for help in getting back into the dating world successfully



Free Dating Again newsletter edited by Harlan Jacobsen
Sign up for 
Free Dating Again newsletter of tips to help make new  relationships a part of your life. Edited by Harlan.


Search Articles
by keyword

Search our site:

search tips

search all 7 sites