Divorce Advice: Are You in Charge of You?
2002 Harlan L. Jacobsen
Handling This New Found Freedom
Decisions To Make Now
Divorce advice and being
Now that you are single again, you have gained
a freedom you possibly never had before, especially if
you went directly from family to marriage.
- A freedom to be miserable, if that's what you chose.
- A freedom to make your own choice, to date who
you want, when you
want, and where you want.
- This new-found freedom is pretty
- You may have suddenly become aware that your
future is your own choosing.
The happiest people in prison are lifers. They
know what's ahead.
- Slaves that were suddenly freed were often at a complete
loss, and in a state of shock.
- What would become of them? They had never had to
make a decision.
- Now you feel you too have
been cast adrift, not knowing where you are going or
what lies in store for you.
The best way to keep from becoming derelict in the stormy ocean of
life, at this point, is
to set a goal,
- grab the wheel, and
- steer through the storms to that point you set as a goal.
- Now probably the first idea you have for a goal is -I must find
a new partner.
Let's back up here and take a bigger look.
- Maybe you were
miserable married, so you got single. Now you're single
and you're miserable,
- so you want to get married again, since it was less
- Before you get married again, or even consider setting
that as a goal, you should get a bigger
goal now of learning to be happy single.
- When you have learned to be happy single, then, and only
then, should you consider marriage again - not as an
escape now from a miserable experience.
- You will consider marriage only as a possibility of an even
LEARN TO BE HAPPILY SINGLE
Now that you know where you're going - learning to be a
happy single - we can go back to talking about dating
- True, the opposite sex is probably going to take an active
part in your happy single life,
and you now look on them as a necessary ingredient of the goal of
becoming a happy single.
Before you can love a specific member of the opposite sex,
you must like those folks in general.
Before you can like them, you
must like yourself.
- Before you can like yourself, you must have
Many men, especially divorced men, bitterly
resent the materialistic, gold-digging attitude of some women.
- Most hard-working men are delighted by a
woman who wants to work for what she gets, although they like to
provide for you.
They respect a woman who can pull her own weight. A
healthy, rational, strong man does not want an incompetent, lazy,
- He wants a woman who can face life's challenges with him.
- He knows that if she has genuine self-esteem (which can only come
through her achievements, not through him), she will be that much
more valuable and stimulating to him.
Probably pretty much the same thing can be said about women's
feelings toward men.
MAKE MEETING EASY
Now, you aren't going to be able to love somebody you haven't
met. But if you get out where singles are,
- will anyone talk to you?
- Will you be able to meet
If you go to singles' clubs, most try to help you along as
best they can, and most are in the same position you are or
have been there.
Some clubs run mixer dances where they move people around on
command and you get to meet others.
Take advantage of these.
If you have met people, seek them out again.
That's the advantage of having met them.
Attend just as many singles' parties, dances, activities, outings,
etc., as you can.
It's the law of averages.
If you want lightening to strike, you have to be where the storm
is, unless, of course, you can generate enough electricity all by
Go where the action
is, where other singles are. Talk
to people of both sexes; just be alive and aware, but
definitely avoid gossip and talking about your ex.
Positively do go by yourself. If you go with a friend, chances
are all you're going to do all night is sit and talk to them, and
that's not what you go out for.
Others will avoid busting up your little twosome.
Then, if you meet someone you are interested in, it is ruined
because you have to drive your friend home.
You do not have to have a friend along for courage. Meet at the
function, and then only casually.
There are three methods of meeting people
at singles groups.
- (and the best way) is one person decides to go and talk to
another during a gathering.
- When someone asks you, or you ask them, to dance.
- Accidentally at random meet, like in a mixer, etc.
Ladies, men like you to
be a little bold, so throw out the Victorian
ideas that you have to wait for the men to be aggressive.
This all takes practice.
- You are a self-sufficient, independent woman who can
- Give others all the help and encouragement you can
by being warm and friendly and easily
Learn to relax with people, learn to talk,
how to listen, and mainly just learn how to relate to
It takes a lot of
before you can hit the home
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Divorce Advice: Set Up Goals for the
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