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Divorce Advice:  Are You in Charge of You?

2002 Harlan L. Jacobsen


  • Freedom to be miserable

Handling This New Found Freedom

Decisions To Make Now  

  Divorce advice and being  Single Again

Now that you are single again, you have gained a freedom you possibly never had before, especially if you went directly from family to marriage.

  • A freedom to be miserable, if that's what you chose.

  • A freedom to make your own choice, to date who you want, when you want, and where you want.

  • This new-found freedom is pretty heady stuff.


  • You may have suddenly become aware that your future is your own choosing.


The happiest people in prison are lifers. They know what's ahead.

  • Slaves that were suddenly freed were often at a complete loss, and in a state of shock.


  • What would become of them? They had never had to make a decision.


  • Now you feel you too have been cast adrift, not knowing where you are going or what lies in store for you.

The best way to keep from becoming derelict in the stormy ocean of life, at this point, is

to set a goal,


  • grab the wheel, and


  • steer through the storms to that point you set as a goal.

  • Now probably the first idea you have for a goal is -I must find a new partner.

    Let's back up here and take a bigger look.

  • Maybe you were miserable married, so you got single. Now you're single and you're miserable,

  • so you want to get married again, since it was less miserable.


  • Before you get married again, or even consider setting that as a goal, you should get a bigger goal now of learning to be happy single.


  • When you have learned to be happy single, then, and only then, should you consider marriage again - not as an escape now from a miserable experience.


  • You will consider marriage only as a possibility of an even happier state.


    Now that you know where you're going - learning to be a happy single - we can go back to talking about dating again.

  • True, the opposite sex is probably going to take an active part in your happy single life, and you now look on them as a necessary ingredient of the goal of becoming a happy single.

    Before you can love a specific member of the opposite sex, you must like those folks in general.

    Before you can like them, you must like yourself.
    Before you can like yourself, you must have self-esteem.

    Many men, especially divorced men, bitterly resent the materialistic, gold-digging attitude of some women.

    • Most hard-working men are delighted by a woman who wants to work for what she gets, although they like to provide for you.

    They respect a woman who can pull her own weight. A healthy, rational, strong man does not want an incompetent, lazy, helpless female.

  • He wants a woman who can face life's challenges with him.


  • He knows that if she has genuine self-esteem (which can only come through her achievements, not through him), she will be that much more valuable and stimulating to him.

    Probably pretty much the same thing can be said about women's feelings toward men.


    Now, you aren't going to be able to love somebody you haven't met. But if you get out where singles are,

    1. will anyone talk to you?

    2. Will you be able to meet people.

    If you go to singles' clubs, most try to help you along as best they can, and most are in the same position you are or have been there.

      Some clubs run mixer dances where they move people around on command and you get to meet others.

  • Take advantage of these.

    If you have met people, seek them out again.

  • That's the advantage of having met them.


  • Attend just as many singles' parties, dances, activities, outings, etc., as you can.


  • It's the law of averages.

    If you want lightening to strike, you have to be where the storm is, unless, of course, you can generate enough electricity all by yourself.

    Go where the action is, where other singles are. Talk to people of both sexes; just be alive and aware, but definitely avoid gossip and talking about your ex.


    Positively do go by yourself. If you go with a friend, chances are all you're going to do all night is sit and talk to them, and that's not what you go out for.

  • Others will avoid busting up your little twosome.


  • Then, if you meet someone you are interested in, it is ruined because you have to drive your friend home.
    You do not have to have a friend along for courage. Meet at the function, and then only casually.

    There are three methods of meeting people at singles groups.

    1. (and the best way) is one person decides to go and talk to another during a gathering.


    2. When someone asks you, or you ask them, to dance.


    3. Accidentally at random meet, like in a mixer, etc.

      Ladies, men like you to be a little bold, so throw out the Victorian ideas that you have to wait for the men to be aggressive.

      • You are a self-sufficient, independent woman who can handle things.

      • Give others all the help and encouragement you can by being warm and friendly and easily approachable.

        • A simple "Hello" with a nice smile is a real happening.

          You do not have to wait for people to come to you; however, don't get into a frantic chase, either.

          • You will be amazed how receptive people are.

        Learn to relax with people, learn to talk, how to listen, and mainly just learn how to relate to other singles.

      This all takes practice.

      It takes a lot of batting practice before you can hit the home runs.


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