Even when both parties to a divorce want
out, the divorce is still traumatic.
It still hits you ..........
........right between the
Even if you feel the divorce was long over-due, when it finally
happens you still feel a terrible sense of defeat.
It brings shock, depression and a personal
sense of loss.
At a death in the family or at any other trying time your
friends rally around you.
In a divorce they take sides or most ignore you because
they don't know how to deal with it.
What do they say - congratulations on your divorce - or do
they say - I'm sorry about your divorce.
They don't know - so they avoid you.
Divorce is a private
affair unless you are a movie star.
Society should play no
Do not solicit friends to take sides.
If they take your side they are doing you no good.
Some divorcees mistakenly reach for this allegiance as a life
saver and they like to hear what a brute their husband was for leaving
this lovely, wonderful, adorable wife for that call girl, model, or rich
Anybody that is seeing their former mate is the enemy.
- Anyone being nice to their ex- is their enemy.
- Avoid this battle lineup at all costs.
Friends are to offer a shoulder to cry on and ears to listen
but not to take sides.
The concept of who was right and who was wrong or who failed whom has no place for social
Divorce becomes more of a disaster in that when you need
friends the most - you don't have them.
You now need
Most of all you need a security blanket friend.
....... often making things worse by trying
to get you back together again, or constantly irritating
you by what your ex- said or did, etc., etc.
Your old friends are going to be of little value -
A security blanket friend is one that can be of the same
or opposite sex.
One that calls and listens to you, and when you're
alone has you over to their house.
When you feel like dating they help you. meet a
Everybody in adjusting needs a security blanket friend,
basically to always have somebody to talk to when you need help,
they help you.
When you have doubts, they give you self-confidence.
When you feel weak, they share their strength with you.
You need someone you can trust.
Where are you going to find such a
security blanket friend?
This is one of the reasons for going to events and activities
or functions such as PWP, support and other singles groups to
develop just friends that you can count on.
We cannot develop such a friend for
You are going to have to do that yourself.
If you want to
have a friend - remember, be one.
You have to have understanding people to talk
Someone else that has been through the same thing and ideally
someone that has solved and adjusted to most of the problems of
becoming suddenly single is a likely candidate for such a
In colleges, they say that the
highest suicide rate is among freshmen.
They have been uprooted from a lifetime of family and
well-established friends and find themselves in a strange place
with no family and no ready-made friends.
The adjustment period is highly traumatic.
Many drop out - not because they fail academically.......
........ but because they just can't hack this intolerable
You are going through a similar experience of having to find and
develop new single friends, people you can interact with.
So, you will need to go out and associate with other singles, not
so much to develop relationships with the opposite sex but singles of
either sex to have as friends.
You will find
yourself making shameless, desperate calls to friends at times and
even to your ex-.
Best have plenty of friends and completely get the former mate -
out of your system as soon as possible by eliminating
all but essential contact.
You will have times when you feel absolutely
desperate, your stomach will feel like you are
free-falling from a plane and your parachute won't open.
Yet, you may be the world's most successful person in your
You may be able to handle anything - business-wise - but
you will still
have a tremendous time being able to handle the pain
when you lose somebody you want - but they don't want
Maybe you were planning to leave them but they beat you to
it still hurts.......
You will find yourself checking on them to see how they
are doing without you.
Any news of the ex's activities will be eagerly
sought out - no matter how many steps or how big the chain of
persons the news has gone through to get to you.
You have to let go- recognize it is
Turn off the blame-making machinery.
Allow yourself a mourning period.
Do not deny the reality that it is over.
You will have to recover from separation shock and realize
that it was not an amputation.
You are still whole.
Be by yourself for awhile and get the sobs over with,
but do not try to deny your grief.
As soon as you are tired of the tears bit.....
yourself busy with something (anything).
Get out by forcing yourself to get out even though you really
don't feel like it yet.
If you begin dating you may find yourself dating only the most
attractive and desireable, calculating the effect it would have on
your ex- if you happened to run into them.
Move on to picking your dates strictly for companionship and
pleasure and learn to leave your ex- completely out of the
There will be times when you have a relapse and wonder if you
shouldn't have tried harder to make it work.
Why should you try to do something you didn't
want to do?
You mulled it over and know you were unhappy for a long time before
the divorce and you know you have made the right decision.
Once again, no back-tracking, you are burning your bridges
behind you and you are letting go of the past in order to get
with the program of building a great new future.
- You no longer deny the reality that it is
- You will not resent your ex for not being there.
- You will tune out your ex.as much as possible.
- Consider it all water over the dam and you don't have time to
dwell or be bothered by someone or something that has no part in
your bright new future just over the horizon.
You can now get on with the program of making life meaningful
True, you will
undoubtedly have some relapses.
You may fall into periods of hostility, guilt or even as far back
as bewilderment, but you will not get locked in on these going back
-less and less for shorter and shorter periods and finally not at all.
You will have let go, you will eliminate the pull of the past and
move on now into the most enriching period of your life and become a
happier, stronger individual, a special somebody with your own
You have learned to
come to terms with the past. You have recognized what is
self- defeating behaviour and you are now changing
You are now improving on the past and taking the time and making
whatever effort is necessary to create a fuller life.
You are now enroute to make life
meaningful once again.
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