Old Programming "Being Right"
© 2000 Harlan L. Jacobsen
There is a programming quirk or mistake which many of us picked
up as children and are still using as adults which causes us
trouble as a single and in our life in general.
- This will be a little hard for me to
explain, but let's give it a try.
As a child, somehow we were led to believe that if we didn't accomplish
what we were doing, win or get what we wanted we had to convince our
parents and everyone else, including ourselves, that it was someone else
or the world that was wrong and we were right.
- Soon we develop a program or
internal reaction that says, "I have to be right, I have to justify any
decision I make, so I gather evidence that I aim right".
So what I have is a
righteousness program. I equate being
right with survival, Winning the game or accomplishing what you
wanted or were supposed to do was not all that important as long as you could justify you were right, you
- Now this is ingrained and my number one programming is not to be
a winner, it is to be right. My
righteousness is my survival.
When I make a decision I immediately start gathering evidence to
back up that decision. My filtering system allows thru only those things
that back up my decision. Your mind validates your act over and
over. You look back trying to find reasons for your moves and why you were
right and reasonable.
- So we are either getting results or reasons.
You get good at making it okay that you lost the
game. You become an expert to yourself on making it okay to
- You get your friends to agree with your action, that you were
right and reasonable, that it was the others and the world that was
Your number one program is to be right and reasonable, that's
most important. because when I am right I get to
survive. This is a trick your mind will keep doing to you
until you look at this and stop doing it.
- Your reasons equal righteousness or reasonableness, they serve
no purpose, get you nowhere and take up a lot of your time and effort.
You deal in the past, let it alone, it can
do nothing for you. Let it alone! Start dealing with results.
- Either you did or you didn't. There are no in
Your life runs on decisions you made a long time ago no matter
how incorrect they were. We stick with a course of action, not because it
is the best thing for us, but because to do otherwise would make us
look absurd to ourselves, to think that we made a wrong decision
some time ago.
- For example; we marry someone because we decided that was Mr. or
Ms. right for us. To get out of the marriage would mean we made a
wrong decision, we weren't right.
We can't do that so we have to stay in the marriage no matter how
miserable because we have to be right.
- Finally with great anguish we get out
or we force our partner to get out and the marriage ends. Now we
switch this over, our ex is a no good so and so. We gather all kinds
of evidence to back that decision.
We dash to our relatives and friends, and we finally get them to
agree, the ex was a no good miserable beast.
We decide they are not fit to be a parent to your children and you
gather evidence again and you convince yourself you are right. What
is best for the children (winning) becomes immaterial, you have to be right.
- When we have a big relationship after divorce and they stop seeing
us, we say to ourselves, they didn't break up with me right, they should
have done this or that, and again we spend all our efforts trying to be
"right" or righteousness instead of getting on with a new relationship
At work we go to the duplicating department and we say I have to
have 500 copies by 4. The guy says "no way", I have all this ahead
of you, it will be tomorrow noon.
- You then get into a big hassle, you have to have it by 4 and
he has to be right, he is too busy. Next time let him be right
(you gave up being right, remember).
Say, I see you have all this work ahead of you this afternoon and I
know you are right, you are terribly busy and rushed. However, I have this problem, my department has to get these
in the mail today by 5, is there any way you can help me so I could have
them by 4?
- Now, he is not threatened, you already said he is right (all you're interested in is "winning", remember).
So he obligingly is on your side and gets your work out. So you have
switched over from being right to "winning".
Instead of brow beating your friends to agree with you that you are
right or righteous about this and that you get them to expand that
energy on helping you "win" not waste it on
letting you be right.
Tell Your Divorced Or Widowed Friends About This Article And Site, Send Them This Page Or If They Do Not Have A PC, Print Out The Article For Them
Some have to get enough evidence the spouse
is defective before they can leave.
Selling the spouse this bill of
goods is part of "being right".
this article to a friend
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