Newsletter #55, 11/30/04
Newsletter #54, 11/21/04
Newsletter #53, 10/25/04
Newsletter #52, 10/16/04
Newsletter #51, 9/14/04
Newsletter #50, 8/29/04
Newsletter #49, 8/11/04
Newsletter #48, 7/25/04
Newsletter #47, 6/29/04
Newsletter #46, 5/26/04
Newsletter #45, 5/02/04
Newsletter #44, 4/11/04
Newsletter #43, 3/15/04
Newsletter #42, 2/28/04
Newsletter #41, 2/16/04
Newsletter #40, 1/25/04
Newsletter #39, 1/19/04
Newsletter #38, 1/06/04
Newsletter #37, 12/23/03
Newsletter #36, 12/13/03
Newsletter #35, 12/05/03
Newsletter #34, 11/22/03
Newsletter #33, 11/04/03
Newsletter #32, 10/21/03
Newsletter #31, 10/13/03
Newsletter #30, 10/6/03
Newsletter #29, 9/23/03
Newsletter #28, 8/31/03
Newsletter #27, 8/6/03
Newsletter #26, 7/15/03
Newsletter #25, 6/22/03
Newsletter #24, 5/30/03
Newsletter #23, 5/12/03
Newsletter #22, 5/1/03
Newsletter #21, 4/13/03
Newsletter #20, 4/1/03
Newsletter #19, 3/17/03
Newsletter #18, 2/28/03
Newsletter #17, 2/28/03
Newsletter #16, 2/4/03
Newsletter #15, 1/24/03
Newsletter #14, 1/14/03
Newsletter #13, 1/5/03
Newsletter #12, 12/26/02
Newsletter #11, 12/18/02
Newsletter #10, 12/04/02
Newsletter #9, 11/23/02
Newsletter #8, 10/17/02
Newsletter #7, 8/30/02
Newsletter #6, 7/31/02
Newsletter #5, 7/8/02
Newsletter #4, 5/22/02
Newsletter #3, 5/1/02
Newsletter #2, 4/4/02

Divorce Recovery Newsletter #55, 11/30/04

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New twist on the Legal Divorce
This newsletter portion may not be of interest to you if you have already filed for divorce but you might print it out for future reference of friends who may get divorced later.

Right now in Arizona, over 80% of divorces filed are filed without an attorney. Divorce is different in some states that do not have community property laws but the coming apart emotional process is the same, with more emotional trauma thrown in when the divorce process is difficult and one side or the other "wants to punish" the other for having the nerve to "leave" without their permission, and says to the attorney, "take the SOB for everything they have."

Getting attorneys involved almost always prolongs the agony and emotional exhaustion for both sides..and happens when one gets an attorney, because of the marriage betrayal so to speak, and they feel they can no longer "trust them" to make a fair and equitable settlement.

This is a huge mistake since both parties are "punished" not only financially, but emotionally in making the process longer and more severe.

What we are saying is work out between you what it takes to divide property and the kids etc. and get a mutual trusted friend to help settle disputes, a professional mediator, hire a mediator, etc. but settle this all without an attorney.

Once all the details are worked out, you can file it yourself, get a non-attorney firm, (there are many around that just help you do the paper work) a para-legal, or even hire an attorney together just to do the paper work.

Here is the big news that causes me to write on the subject today, that is that Arizona has now come up with E-Court method of printing out all the documents needed.

You fill out a questionnaire modeled after the turbo income tax filing system, that then prints out the legal documents filled in.

If the questions were not all answered and necessary information supplied the system will not advance.

This is reported to eliminate many of the errors of the usual do it yourself filings.

Half of the divorces filed in Arizona are reported to be uncontested or the spouses did not respond and consequentially defaulted.

Arizona has a 60 day "cooling off period" but after that instead of waiting weeks, you can now usually contact the court and schedule your hearing for the next day.

The questionnaire takes up property, children, taxes etc. which if any part is disputed can then require an attorney to help sort it out.

We write here for all over the world, but do have a lot of Arizona readers so for you here is the web site... http://ecourt.maricopa.gov

Alternative is to get it from http://superiorcourt.maricopa.gov

It seems to me that anyone anywhere could fill this thing out and use it to complete their local divorce wherever that may be since basically I am sure the same or similar questions need to be answered for the court to act on it.

It is suggested you contact your local governmental office that handles the divorce process in your area, and ask them what they have available for "do it yourself" divorcing.

You could then use the Arizona system to generate the answers by your filling out the Az questionnaire. Transfer from the then filled out Arizona form to the same portions on your local form.

Even if you use an attorney, these filled out and information forms will likely save a lot of time for the attorney which means "money".

Many government offices offer complete sets of paper work for doing your own divorce and others will likely have a similar online set up for the process, now or soon.

My job here is to make you aware of options, and suggest your read through our site map for the legal articles that can do much to save you a lot of money but most importantly a lot of unnecessary emotional hassle that can prolong the pain for years.

Print this out for friends who may go through the process in the future, even if you have none in the process or planning stage at the moment.

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Maybe I can call this an advertisement or just Harlan News... One of my new businesses is renting out regular homes by the week that are furnished with all house wares etc, for tourists or commercial people in town (Phoenix, Tempe and Scottsdale) for short periods. This is just like moving in to someone else's home for a few weeks (which is what it is) with everything in place just like home.

Some of these can sleep up to eight people so if a group comes together can be far less costly then living out of motels resorts etc see http://arizonavacationhomerental.com

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Divorce Recovery Newsletter #54, 11/21/04

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The Coming Unglued And why it is so difficult to come apart.
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You are divorced....(even if you have not completed the paperwork...) The paper work is merely a "legal" entanglement.

You can't fix or change or even move on from what you don't acknowledge.

Your long term relationship has died. Stop lying to yourself...deal with reality here.

We don't want to admit to others or to ourselves that we have a problem. That is why AA considers it so important for members to say the words: "I am an alcoholic".

We tell you it is very important that you admit to yourself...."I am DIVORCED. I am now a 'single' person."

Instead, you say to yourself...the divorce is not final...yet.. they may come to their senses and come back etc. etc. Every type of excuse you can come up with to justify your being "frozen" in time instead of moving on.

You must deal with reality here, in contrast a "live" marriage sort of flows... Sure, you can kid yourself and pretend you are in "crazy making" no man's land...half way between marriage and divorced. There is no half way house. There is no being put on "hold".

(the stage of paper work of divorce is not to be confused with or used to muddy up the emotional or factual end or death of a relationship.)

Our best method of explaining it is that your faithful long time horse, (marriage) died.

You need to acknowledge to yourself and the world, your horse has "died."

What you have been doing is "beating on this dead horse" of yours and trying to get it to come back to life.... You could always revive it before.....

How long are you going to keep beating on what you and everybody else now know is a dead horse.....??????

It is not just a little dead, it is fully dead. If is like being a little pregnant....there is no such thing.... Why did my horse have to die? This should not have happened to me....

We say, trying to figure out why your horse died won't help right now.....you just need to admit your horse is stone cold dead....and before your life starts to smell even worse....bury your dead horse... and move on down the road.

Whether it is fear, an addiction, or a bad habit, etc, the first step is to admit that there is a problem. To better understand the problem in the coming apart process read here...

Acknowledge what is not working in your life.

Pretending to yourself that you are still in a relationship that has in fact died keeps your life from working.

Visualize your having graduated from high school. Your very best and deepest friends all scatter in all directions to college, to the military, to new careers.

No matter how much you wanted to go on with what was, you soon realized your high school days were over and you had to move on.

No matter how you tried or wanted or desired to put it back like it was, the happiest time of your life was over and you too had to move on with your life.

Here you have graduated from your "starter" marriage. Again, you did not want it to end. You knew how to operate successfully in that environment.

Here you are again faced with an all new unfamiliar scary territory, moving into the (scary and unfamiliar/uncomfortable) life as a single adult, with great fear of the unknown......... what becomes of me now?

You know you have to move on....

Start studying up on the subject, begin planning and get ready, and start to Move On.

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Divorce Recovery Newsletter #53, 10/25/04

Todays quotes:
As you think, so shall ye be.
Jesus

Another quote:
People are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.
Abraham Lincoln

The above is old information but I remind you it applies to your divorce process...

You spend a lot of time...figuring out and visualizing what you want to do on your two week vacation.....

How much time have you spent thinking about how you'd like your "after divorce" future to unfold?

How much detail do you get into when you do plan and think about your future?

You buy travel books and view pictures of what you will be getting into on your two week vacation....

What research and investigation are you doing into "what are your options" on where you may want to go with "your all new rest of your life".

I am willing to bet you have done little or none...

Figuring that you do not have options...on what happens or where you go with your second chance for an all new life.

Nothing can be further from the truth.

Planning your trip and exploring the possibilities for this year's two week vacation ....can often be as exciting and as much fun as the trip.

This second act of your life...you likely for the first time have complete control on what happens in your new life, your parents no longer control you, your spouse (we hope) no longer controls you.

For the first time...you have 100% control of your life plans...you get to write the script...of what you want to have happen.

and........ you get to cast the players in your new life....

You have to admit, this is starting to sound like it has exciting possibilities.....

but you say... I can not do what I want.. I have all of these responsibilities...etc etc. etc.

I am chained down...I have no possibilities...

Baloney.....other people have just as many responsibilities and they move on to big things in an all new life....

You can too....you are likely more capable, talented and smart than most of the others that succeeded in moving on to a great new life.

You DO NOT have to figure out "HOW" you are going to get there....right now... You only need to plan as if you could have all your druthers... where would you like your life to go....now?

Plan just as if I did not have all these responsibilities.

LATER, we will figure out the "how" to make your new life come true....despite all these hurdles you claim are holding you back.

and.....

We will show you how this is the first step to put it on "automatic" to almost happen by itself.....

Figuring out "How" is another part and you can set that up....to really almost happen automatically if you do this process right....

First figure out.......

How do you want to feel in your new life, act two?

Happy? Relaxed? Excited? Enthusiastic about life? Thrilled? Can hardly wait for tomorrow?

Once you decide how you want to feel you can begin to add in more details that will make you have these feelings automatically.

Having figured out and written down what feelings you want every day.... then we will start adding in...WHAT will it take to make you have these feelings every day in your new life?

Once you have these "WHATS" written down, then we can start working on goals to get there.

But remember, much of this is internal programming that needs to be updated.....keep your old programming that is holding you back, then even winning the lottery in six months will not have changed how you are feeling about life.

PLEASE.....Go to the top of the page and read the "quotes" one more time...

When you make your new goals list, mark down the physical part AND the feeling that goes with it and how this will result in your new feelings about life.

THIS IS IMPORTANT... for you to be able to move on from the divorce miseries....

Right now you are just bouncing off the wall... waiting and dreading what new life disaster lies around the corner....

Once you figure out what you want to happen in your new life, you will get enthused and start subconsciously (little effort required...it starts to happen automatically when you do this right) and making decisions about your new "divorced life" will suddenly become easy.

Now that you know where you are going with your life... every decision you make today will be much easier....whatever comes up.....if it helps advance you towards your new goal, (programmed into your subconscious) you automatically do it.. If it sets you back from accomplishing your new life goals...you do not do it...

Because...... If it moves you towards your new life goals... that are correctly programmed into your subconscious.... the correct choice or decision will just FEEL RIGHT and you will do the right thing automatically.

It becomes......

EASY.

Stress will be gone....you will be comfortable with your new life steps moving you towards your goals...

Previously, anything new was uncomfortable and life was stressful because you did not know if you were doing the right thing for your new life......

Or not.....

REVIEW.....THIS IS IMPORTANT...

Make no small plans. Arrange for "great feelings" ahead by taking the above seriously and sitting down and PLAN what you want to happen in act two.... how do you want to feel in your new life, and what would it take to get you there?

NOTHING you can do right now will change your life more for the better than sitting down and doing this... Right now.

Remember, describe on your "goals paper" what type of people you will have in your new life.....they are key...to your success..

REMEMBER....

You get to cast WHO you have as players in your ACT 2, for a great new life.

ONCE YOU HAVE THE BASIC PLAN FOR YOUR ACT TWO.......ON PAPER..... you are half way there.

That's right.......it will not be as hard to accomplish as it was to get you to sit down, concentrate and do this....first half of the trip.

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DO NOT put this down without making these plans for a great Act two... right now...

If you can not take control of your self and get this done right now.....

Some of you may not be ready to move on and need to wallow a while longer in the "what was". This is understandable for newly divorced working through early stages of divorce recovery.

However, do not complain to me that it is.

Grab yourself by the back of the neck and drag yourself up to a table and chair with a pen and paper.

Okay, so just call 'em "wishes" then, whatever makes it easier to get you on this...just start getting these down on paper. Shape it up in your final copy.

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Here are two articles on the subject...

Setting Goals for singles....


Write your own script.....


We have many more but this will get you started.

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TALKING ABOUT YOUR DIVORCE HELPS

Chat with others on how they are handling what you are going thru..... at SINGLES TALK SHOP It is real...and is....Easy to use...

We sponsor it as a 24 hour....talk it out therapy.

No appointment needed...no charge...always open.

Create a singles community on the web...a safe place where newly singled and well adjusted long term singles can both ask questions, offer advice, share concerns and experiences, laugh, cry, and learn, go here...


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Divorce Recovery Newsletter #52, 10/16/04

HOW 'FEARS' HOLD YOU BACK

What is getting in the way of your moving on from "what was" to the new and second chance for a better life with the "gonna be's?

1.  Fear. Fear is one of the worst enemies keeping you from working through and moving on from your divorce.

When fear controls you, you will never be able to open a new door and move on from "what was".

You must confront head on these divorce induced fears, and see them for what they are.

Conquering fear and moving on is one giant step in the road to recovery from the "shock" of divorce imposed life changes.

What are you afraid of today?

What fears generated by your divorce situation must you conquer to be able to move on to achieve a dream of a second chance for a better life?

When you realize what your major fears are you take an action to overcome these fears, that have you frozen in your present state.

This recognizing these fears will confront and conquer the fear by giving you the ability to take the first step in the right direction.

We start out here listing a few of the major fears that generally go with the divorce process.

A.  Fear of not surviving this, how can I make all of these life decisions all alone?

B.  Fear of the unknown. Uncharted Jungle. What catastrophe is next?

C. Afraid that I alone will not be able to pay all the bills?

D.  Afraid that I will not be able to raise the kids, or that my relationship with the kids will be ruined?

E.  Afraid that my normal relationship life is essentially over, I will never have a significant romantic or sexual relationship ever again.

F.  Afraid that whatever I do, I will be wrong and things will be made even worse because I do something dumb.

H.  Afraid this pain and anticipation of continued disasters will never end or get better.

A. IS YOUR VERY SURVIVAL AT RISK?

Your humpty dumpty has fallen off the wall and all the kings horses and all the kings men can never put him back together again.

You need to look at divorce as pretty much normal goings on in the life process, that over half of your friends and neighbors have either gone through and survived a divorce (or two) or will in the future.

Almost everyone of these folks also had a lot of fears, anxiety and apprehension, just like you have now, about what they had moved into and what was happening to them in this divorce process.

They all survived, got past the divorce process by figuring out how to handle it as another hurdle to get over and moved on to a new and very often much better life then before the divorce.

One of the most scary parts for many people is the feeling of being "abandoned" and put all on their own, often for the first time in their life.

The feeling is "I have always had a baby sitter", someone that looked out for me and my welfare and made sure I did the right thing. You just lost your baby sitter.....and this being left on your own for the first time is indeed scary and it is a fear of "can I survive on my own".

Someone always made the decisions and told me what to do next. I have no experience in being 100% in charge of and totally responsible for my own life.

These folks are often in "an abandoned panic". They rush out to find a new "someone" to take over their life and tell them what to do next.

They have no experience in living life for themselves, they always had someone to "please", it is the only thing they know and they lost that "someone to please".

They have the programming, it is not okay to please yourself. They erroneously concluded that to be happy you have to "please others".

First it was pleasing the parents, then the spouse,..... and now there is no one to please but themselves.

The way you get over the fear of whether you can be 100% in charge of your own life successfully and make decisions that lead to a better life, is to recognize what it is, fully accept the job and responsibility and get on with it.

FEAR OF THE UNKNOWN

It is perfectly normal to fear the unknown. Here you have an anxiety and fears in the divorce process because what you are getting into next is a jungle of unknowns and "surprises".

UNFAMILIAR TERRITORY.

You are not the first one to go through the wilderness of the divorce process...

Millions have gone through this before you and you can quickly and easily learn all about it and gain an understanding from their experiences..

When you know all about it, what others have done and what works, you are no longer afraid of it.

There are many books, seminars, groups, therapy sessions, and road maps left by others who have gone through the divorce recovery jungle and you can learn from their experience how to handle it in a short time.

We think we have put together the easiest to understand and the best and most complete road map through the divorce recovery jungle.

If we left any stones unturned, and/or turns in the road not mapped, drop us a line and we will find an answer for you.

Once you are knowledgeable about the subject, and know how to handle these important life changes, you are no longer afraid of it.

AFRAID YOU WILL NOT ON YOUR OWN BE ABLE TO PAY THE BILLS

Often you had trouble paying all the bills before the divorce and often this was one of the reasons for the divorce.

Now you have a more serious problem. What income was not adequately covering the costs of one home, now this same income has to spread to somehow support two homes.

This means there is going to have to be a large drop in the standard of living somewhere and the divorce is often a contest to see who is going to be forced to lower their standard of living the most.

When it comes to money, we come to the part many become very bitter about. They spent all these years working very hard to get their standard of living to a respectable place and this divorce is setting them back decades.

So to be able to pay the bills you will need to lower your expenses, (often lowering your standard of living) whether you want to or not.

The other alternative is to up your income from new and better sources, and often you will need to do both.

Once you get your expenses budgeted to your income, your bills will be handled in a normal manner.

This reality is often depressing to deal with, but when you get your new life together and you "all on your own" get your standard of living back to what it was or better then it was before the divorce you will have great satisfaction in having done it all on your own.

AFRAID THAT YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO RAISE THE KIDS IN A NORMAL MANNER.

We tell you that if handled in a knowledgeable manner the kids can come through relatively unscathed.

Your relationship to the children will be changed by the divorce, it just comes with the territory.

You will need to learn techniques and methods that work, understanding there will be many changes in the relationship with your children that will be better than before the divorce and many that will be drastically different as a result of that the divorce that you and the kids will have to adjust to whether you want to or not.

Probably half their friends in school parents have gone through a divorce so they will not feel alone.

There are many sources of help in making the transition.

We have some in our web site with links to many more.

AFRAID THAT MY ROMANTIC AND SEXUAL LIFE JUST ENDED FOREVER, THAT NO ONE WILL EVER LOVE ME AGAIN.

This fear is so profound that we have observed many are so afraid this was the end of their romantic and sexual life, that they rush out to prove they are still desirable.

They wind up in bed with everyone that says "Hi there" primarily to prove to themselves they are able to resume a romantic life any time they desire.

Once that is proven to themselves...they often stop totally because they now know they can resume anytime they are ready.

We assure you that there is no hurry, you can resume that whenever you are ready, that it really is not that big a problem to overcome when you arrive at that point.

We have a web site devoted to dating again and a newsletter on the subject.

The batting average is very good. Almost all that work at it.... do develop relationships that are often far better then anything they ever had in a marriage.

Just relax and work on other parts of your life. We will help you ease back into relationships when you are fully ready.

AFRAID THAT I WILL DO SOMETHING DUMB AND MAKE MATTERS WORSE.

Being totally responsible for what happens in your new life is initially overwhelming. Every life decision is made with a dread of catastrophe.

This need not be .......What you need to do is set down and figure out where you want to go with your new life. What do you want to have happen in act two of your life?

This is called setting goals and we suggest you read some of our articles on the importance of setting new life goals and the importance of wording these goals correctly.

Until you do set new goals, your life is like a ship just drifting on the ocean, no idea where it will wind up and with great fears it will run aground somewhere.

When you have goals, it is easy to make correct decisions in your new life.

If the choice helps move you toward your new goal, you do it... if it does not help move you towards your goal...or interferes or delays it, you do not do it.

Thereafter you will have little fear of making the wrong decision, because you will have a yard stick to measure your choices with.

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HOW THIS CAME TO BE

Every now and then I get an e-mail asking how putting all of these web sites on single life adjustment came to be.

The answer to this question took a little time to answer these inquiries, so I sat down and wrote the answer out on a web page so that when I get the question, I can just refer them to this page. (time saver)

In case you were curious too, I hereby include the page, click here

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If someone has forwarded this free newsletter to you and you would like to subscribe, send a blank email here

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Divorce Recovery Newsletter #51, 09/14/04


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1. A short course, "Divorce Recovery in a nutshell"
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Every issue we have new readers, many just newly divorced and in great pain so we need to go back often to square one for those in this stage.

IN DIVORCE questions a lady marked it private and her situation was very similar to thousands of others.

This is the answer I sent her but since it was marked private it was not posted on the the question and answer board, I thought we might post it here and refer people that post a similar situation could get information promptly on the subject by simply going here.

She was just getting divorced from an alcoholic husband who beat her etc., was not a father to her kids who did not want to see him.

She had no relatives or friends around and she was crying herself to sleep.

Dear Beaten,
Your situation is very common, but telling you misery has company does not help. Almost everyone finding themselves in this situation feels they are very alone.

All this that you are going through is made worse now days in a big part like yourself, by relatives and the normal support group of people your folks and grand parents had, now days either this support group of relatives either move away or you do or both so they are not around when and where you really need them.

You often lose all or most of your married friends, you lose all the in-law relatives on the STBX (soon to be ex) side and you are about as close to zero in support system and friends as you can get when you are at the very most stressful event in your life, when you most need a little help to get through it.

Now, hearing that or knowing that has not helped you a bit I know, but it does help to understand where you are and why you feel so alone and helpless at this stage of your divorce. So what do you do to make things turn around?

1. Develop a network of single friends in your locality and on the web; we are here and you will find others on the web who have been through this and that will help.

When you have worked through this, you too can come back and help others going through this traumatic time in their life.

2. Join a support group such as a local divorce recovery group (we can help you find one.) and singles organized clubs.

3. Study up on what has worked for others and realize what seems now like the worse time of your life may well be looked back in a year from now as the best thing that ever happened to you. (hard to believe now but true)

4. Realize that working through this and getting on to a better life takes some study, motivation and a little time. That this is almost solely a "do it yourself project".

5. Recognize you need to talk about what you are going through . People that have been through this themselves are willing to talk about it.

Getting advice from them is not the important part. Being able to talk about what you are going through with someone that will listen and understand is.

6. You will discover that you have an option, you can take years to work through your divorce, or you can learn that it is a process, there are no magic pills, and that you can learn what works and apply these to your situation.

7. Learn what has worked for others, understand that you are okay, you are not a defective reject, it is something that happens in life to over half of those married, learn where the adjustment traps and tar pits are, where many get hung up. Understand you are not born with a built in ability to handle this. You need to study up and understand what you are going through and why you feel the way you do.

8. Cry it out.... (this takes time, grieve over your losses, get into it and get it over with....) fast forward here...when done with that...

9. Give up on what was. Concentrate now on the gonna-be's. By working on the gonna-be's...you will discover "great nows" start arriving automatically..

10. Get out the Divorce Recovery adjustment maps and find the on-ramp to the "moving on freeway" to an all new bigger and better second chance at an all new you and a new life.

11. No one can do it for you. This turning point in your life is now up to you. (scary huh?)

12. Get new life goals...and head out.... remember, the best part is not the arriving, it is the trip.

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2. For those past the crying stage and still really mad..stage... now what...?
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One of the reasons we tell you that you will come back one year from now and tell us this divorce, the worse thing, the most painful thing that ever happened to you, you somehow have had it turn out to be the "best thing that ever happened to you".

Yup, same divorce... ...the turn around will come because if divorce was a really earth shaking traumatic time, you will stop, take inventory of your life and decide where you want to go from here.

You will make changes and improvements in your life plan you never would have made otherwise.

So we tell you the more painful and upsetting and traumatic your divorce is or was.......

The more likely you will make these changes and self improvement steps that you never would have done without the divorce.

You will grow more as a person in the one year after your divorce, than you did in twenty years of marriage.

One year from now we want you to be able to honestly say.....

My divorce was the "best thing" that ever happened to me....

That's called...."when life gives you lemons .......make lemonade."

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3. Harlans 80% Success Rate...Rule.....
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The reason I call it Harlan's rule...is I have not seen it put forth anywhere else so I will claim title to it....

My observation has been that when people try new things and they do not work out they are crushed, disappointed, depressed, discouraged to the point they say why try, angry at all the people involved in the failure and the whole world did not act right and that let them down etc.

So my formula is expect and shoot for 80% successes in new things in your life.

When 20% of new adventures, people and events fail to live up to your hopes and expectations...no big deal.... just comes with the territory so to speak.

If 100% or anything near that is your expectation...you are going to be unhappy a good part of the time, and when and if you are succeeding at that rate......close to perfection, then you are short-changing yourself by not expanding your life and trying enough risky new things.

If you have greater then 20% failure rate...you may want to cut back on risky new adventures a little.

In other words... we are changing our "expectations and demands".

We no longer demand 100% success of our kids, our job, our relationships, new things and places we try etc. etc.

We expect...20% to not work out like we would prefer, (no demands, we gave up on that remember) so we just work these in with the mix.

l expect to do 20% of what turns out to be looking back, probably some really "dumb things".. Looking back I will see I should have done 20% differently or at least better..

Once again.. the formula... more then 20% or your life actions not working out... cut back on risky not sure things...

less than 20%, your not doing and trying new and better things and actions... life is boring.. no enthusiasm to get out with lets try this...that we have never done before.. as you get older you do more and more for the last time and less and less for the first time...

When you are not having 20% failures... you are ready for the rest home...

When things do not work out... my day, (week or month) is not ruined.. as long as it fits in my 20% overall failure rate with 80% successes.

Sure, I expect and hope for and work to have some big successes, real wows, some just barely successes and a lot of so-so successes. ........and 20% disappointments with some real clinkers.

If your life is a roller coaster series of emotional ups and downs...smooth it out... adopt my 80% expectations formula....... and you will find...... now life works...

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4. "Visit Our Newsletter Archives"
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Our newsletter archives contain every article, including every adjustment tip, trick, and technique, that we have revealed to our subscribers since we started the newsletter in April of 02. Over 50 newsletters so far.

Now obviously, our more recent articles contain our latest, most recently tested, most cutting-edge "moving on from divorce" strategies.

However, this wealth of "adjusting to becoming suddenly single" knowledge and expertise is still highly recommended reading!

All the concepts, "work through this in a shorter time with less pain" techniques, and step-by-step instructions you'll find make reading these back issues a simple, but extremely powerful way to give yourself an education in moving on, growing as a single person, and exploding your potential as a happy successful single person and doing it all on your very own, fast track.



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4. Send this newsletter to a friend
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Now you can help others that are going through the process. Feel free to forward a copy of this newsletter or any of our web site articles you think might help them in their current stage of the process. Many may not have web access or their ex took the only computer with them, so just print them out a copy.

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5. Tell Us What You Think!
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We would love to hear what you think of this newsletter, any of our web sites and this issue. And of course, if you have any suggestions for upcoming issues that you'd like to share with us, please send those, too!
Just e-mail the editor at: Harlanjacobsen@webtv.net Please put the word "Divorce" in the subject line.

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6. Content for Your website or E-zine
==============================

Need some fresh, zero cost, content for your website or e-zine? You now have permission to reprint any of the articles from http://divorcerecovery101.com and/or from this newsletter on your website or in your e-zine as long as:
a) Each article is printed in its full form with no changes.
b) You send a quick e-mail to HarlanJacobsen@webtv.net to tell us exactly where you'll be publishing them.
c) You include the following byline at the end of each article:

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR: Harlan Jacobsen is a leading author, publisher and expert on the subject of transition to single life, for those newly divorced and widowed.. He has helped many with classes, seminars, 32 year newspaper on the subject as well as on the web, helped thousands of suddenly single to move on to a new and better life in a shorter time. His website http://divorcerecovery101.com and his six other web sites of interest to singles as well as free adjustment courses and newsletters have been the key for many in their moving on from this major life change.

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Divorce Recovery Newsletter #50, 08/29/04

Quote:
To be happy, drop the words "if only" and substitute instead with "NEXT TIME".

Smiley Blanton, MD

YOU ARE CONSTANTLY PROGRAMMING YOURSELF.

It is done by what you hear yourself saying or in what might be called "self talk".

We noticed that people in our divorce classes that were having trouble working through their divorce were referring to their former spouses as "husband" or guess what my "wife" is doing now.

These folks were all still having a hard time adjusting or moving on from their divorce.

Those that had or were rapidly working through their divorce used the words... Guess what my "EX" (or soon to be "EX" also known as STBX) is doing now?

The folks still using "guess what my husband is doing now..." were hearing themselves, programming themselves that they were still married.

Their subconscious could not let them process and move on from their marriage because it was being told they were still "married". Your subconscious accepts that as your programming. You are a "married" person and you need to act like it.

Your subconscious determines and "generates" your feelings. When you start to do something that does not line up with your programming, you feel very uncomfortable.

You therefore tend to not do what you should be doing because you "feel" very uncomfortable doing so.

When your subconscious gets the right programming or instructions, then your subconscious allows you to do it, because now it "feels okay".

The "EX" users were programming themselves that they were no longer married or "attached" to the former spouse.

When you go to a divorce support group and you all discuss and share what is happening in your adjustment etc. it is not "advice" that helps you near as much as hearing yourself talk about your divorce and how you think about it now.

We tell you that when you have traumatic experiences, you may have to talk about the incident as much as twenty times before you start to make sense out of it and get past it.

It does not matter much whether you pay a therapist big bucks while you talk it out or you talk it out in a support group, your minister or Aunt Becky.

It is what you are telling your subconscious as you talk about it, and hearing yourself say where you are now that makes the difference.

When you talk it out, many times... it starts to make sense and you sort out "what happened" and your subconscious hears you talk about where you go from here etc.

It is not so much what you hear yourself saying to yourself, it is what you hear yourself saying to others that restricts or programs yourself.

The more you talk about your divorce, it seems the sooner it starts to get filed away and stops getting in the way of processing the planning the script for act two and for your getting on with a new life.

Newly divorced are like a ship without a destination. They are just floundering around going nowhere, or wherever the wind is blowing them. They are scared to death they may wind up on the rocks.

When you work through the divorce, talk it out and it starts to make sense, then you need to get a set of "new goals".

A new goal is like getting a new destination for your floundering ship on the high seas of life.

Many say to themselves, I hate this single life, married was comfortable. My goal now is to get back there, to get married again.

You tend to dislike and be uncomfortable with anything or action you have no experience with or no information about.

Your fight or flight system...(all have it) that tells you to get ready to run or fight, because you have nothing on file on this...experience you are having right now, it shuts down your digestion and knots up your stomach. It ups your blood pressure, and cuts off blood supply to the brain, you will need it all for "fight or flight" (this among other things causes you to send down more food to ease the pain, gain weight, and as a result of diminished brain food supply you do dumb things). That is why we tell you not to make any major decisions during this time.

You have no experience on file for being "alone" as a single person, so you have all these very up tight uncomfortable feelings that tell you that you want to get away from this.

You react to feelings generated by your subconscious master system that is trying to get you to "survive" what it perceives as grave danger. It wants you to get back to "comfortable known situations".

This severe fight or flight caused feelings you are getting because your subconscious has nothing on file, leads you to erroneously conclude that this leaves three options to get away from these terrible feelings of fight or flight. ( it is often referred to as divorce "pain")

1. Deny to yourself that you are alone....that you are single.
2. Try desperately to get back with your ex.
3. Conduct an emergency search for a replacement spouse or lover.

The correct option is number 4. and is the only one that has a high chance of succeeding over the long pull.

4. Accept you are now a "single person' and learn how to operate comfortably in this new territory the dangers, traps and pitfalls to avoid. Practice, practice, practice.

When you study up on it, practice and experience it and are informed about the new state, ( that is what we try to help you with) your subconscious shuts off the "survival alarm".

Your divorce pain goes away.

Your new goal is... "I am learning and becoming a happy successful single person."

When your subconscious accepts through spaced repetition that this is where you are going... it gets right with it...

Once it is programmed, (gotten through to and accepted by your subconscious) every time you do something or wind up somewhere that does not fit this or assist you at arriving at this new goal, your subconscious will be making you uncomfortable and you will tend to get right back with your new program.

Because now it "feels right".

We discuss and go into this in great detail so that you understand it is you and your present programming ( belief system) that are acting as your own jailer and keeping you from the good life. You have the ability to let yourself out to a new-found freedom any time.

Note:
We did not say you could not "graduate" from a happy successful single life and get married again. We are saying this time when and if you do it will not be an "escape" from single life. It will have to look pretty darn good this time and be the frosting on the cake, before you you decide to "graduate".

Until Next Issue.
Harlan
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Divorce Recovery Newsletter #49, 08/11/04

GET A NEW BIGGER AND BETTER DREAM

Yes, you lost a relationship, but the biggest loss of all was that you lost a dream.

Many mistakenly think the solution is that they need to rush out and find a replacement relationship. We tell you that this is the frosting on the cake that comes later, instead we will show you that...the key... to getting on with a great new life is to right now develop and get a great new dream.

First, you have to let go of the "what was" dream. Admit it has died. Bury it.

Put your attention and focus now on a new dream, all in the areas that capture your imagination of possibilities.

What can you see happening in your new life that will create a wave of excitement that will power you towards your new dream?

What is it you love to do and what would you really like to have happen in Act 2? (the curtain came down on act one, remember)

You can not go back and repeat act one.

Even though that would be more comfortable, familiar (not so scary) and much simpler.

The curtain is about to go up....on act two, as soon as you as you have it planned and are ready.

Intermission has lasted long enough....let's get on with the play.....

Act two is not going to be happenstance.

Act two is going to be exciting...... because this time you have figured out what you really want to happen in this act.

Most people spend more time planning what they want to happen on their two week vacation than they do on planning the "rest of their life."

This time you have figured out what you love and are going to have happen and as you do so, you get under way with a huge amount of new energy, enthusiasm and zest for living.

This new creativity springs forth and adds a vibrancy to your being that is now part of you and it goes with you wherever you go and into whatever you will be doing.

Your new life in act two focuses on ideas and areas that capture your newly freed imagination.

This will generate that new energy that we are telling you will carry you along on a wave of excitement that will power you towards making this new dream happen.

Doing and planning for what you love is very important here and is the key to your new enthusiasm for life.

You will tend to be so caught up in the pressures and stresses of adjusting to the loss of the old dream, that you probably rarely think about what you'd much prefer to be doing with your time and energy.

Until you realize you and you alone must take charge.....

your new dreams will become only a fleeting thought before those new dreams become buried beneath a mountain of must do's, have to's, obligations and responsibilities.

Keep bringing your new dreams to the top of your thought and energy pile....for 21 days...

Concentrate every minute you can spare and the new found energy on your new dream for 21 days, it will then have become part of you and will carry you forward automatically after that..

Harlan

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Divorce Recovery Newsletter #48, 07/25/04

Moving on with life..... Part two...

This "moving on from your divorce" decision will require you to mature (grow up) and perhaps for the first time take complete control and total responsibility for your own life...

Up until now, your parents had a lot of control over the "life decisions" you made, and your spouse had major influence over decisions that you made or agreed to that put you where you are now.

They were, however, your decisions, whether you took responsibilities or not. You decided to drop out of college, marry this person you hardly knew, move away to a new area, decided to bring children into your life, these decisions all led to where you are now....

Let's face reality,.....these were all decisions you made or went along with, but you have never thought of them that way... until now....

....you need to face up to how decisions you made got you here.....and....that this time you take full responsibility for what happens now in your new life.

There will be no blaming your parents, if one year from now your life is a mess and not working.

No blaming your ex.

There will be only yourself to blame. That's scary......Taking total responsibility for your life.

Once you finally realize and decide that now no one controls you, that life now is entirely up to you will be the most important turning point of your life.

Up until now it may have never occurred to you, that all along the way you had made life changing choices ...

You will in addition now need to give up on the idea that someone special is going to ride up on their white horse and rescue you.

.....and if they did you would probably have to clean up after their horse.....anyway.

Now you say the only thing you have left from that "what was" life are my children and they mean everything to me.

So in addition, then also for your childrens' sake, you need to seriously look at your life and where it goes now..

Once you realize everything that happens from here on to yourself and and indeed your children, from here forward will be the direct result of all of these personal decisions and choices you make now..

Once you realize the importance of this decision to take charge of your life now, then you will have taken one giant step for a new you, a new life, and as you began to understand that you can be and become in total charge of your new life..

Your new motto..."If it is to be...it is up to me"...
....... and as you learn how to take total responsibility to change your new life and the lives of your children for far better than they have ever been before..... you will start to see there is a bright light at the end of the divorce tunnel.

In this moving forward you will now understand that along the way of your previous life you had given up to others much of your freedom to choose.

In your new life you realize you will make good and bad choices. But they will be all yours and you will continue to look forward to the challenge and opportunity to make great choices every day.

You are now closing and locking doors behind you and throwing away the key....realizing they are never to be opened again.

That now you are only opening these new doors every day.....

Every day you will become more enthused about your new possibilities and capabilities.

You will be eliminating all your doubts about your capability to let the sun shine on a new happiness and light up your day as you become more and more capable of controlling your own life in every way.

Each day will get easier, as you practice and become in total control and a master of your own life.

Laughter and joy will start to flow in regularly.

You will discover you are no longer a victim of divorce......

You will soon be able to say, "my divorce was the turning point, it gave me this opportunity for a new life and was, it turns out, to be the best thing that ever happened to me."

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Divorce Recovery Newsletter #47, 05629/04

Divorce Recovery Newsletter #47, 6/29/04

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The Turning Point
You had a relationship that was an important part of your life and it suddenly ended. You play the memory of "what was" over and over.

You even go to therapy and spend hours talking with others about your "what was", your ended relationship and the life you had with the ex and the way that made you feel.

You can and will, like most of us, spend months trying to make sense of and trying to understand why it ended.

After a while, all your former friends avoid you and do not want to hear this broken record again.

They will likely describe you as hopeless, you are never going to get over it. That you have become a real "loser".

You are totally on the defensive, your life is out of control.

Those in a split are put in a "war" total full alert battle situation with great fear of even further damage to their disintegrating life.

It is for you, the number one "crisis" of a lifetime. How bad can it get?

You had all these dreams and years invested in this marriage and now it is gone, like it never was, taken from you. You say, it just isn't fair...why should this happen to me?

You try everything...you give and give and get nothing, you bargain and get nothing, your life is out of control, nothing you try works.

Eventually you realize what was....is over.

There is now "no one" in your life, "Just You".

You become the new priority, if there is to be a worthwhile new life, you are the priority.

There is no fairy tale, there is no "happy talk". What was keeps ruminating around in your mind and it is killing you.

It has been constantly going down down in a self destructive spiral which has wiped out your life.

Why does it continue? Because "what was" hangs on in your mind.

You have had a hard time letting go and it still controls you.

You find in this process you are no longer master or in control of yourself and your life any more. What is happening in your life and what happens now seems to be under other's and the system's control.

You are like the alcoholic. You know you are not going to get out of this and get a new life, until you decide to take total control and responsibility for your new life.

What you want is a new mindset. The old mindset of the victim or looser is killing you. You want to defend your life, your territory. How to do that? You radically shift the way you stand in it. Wake up your survival instinct and get over it.

When you are not over it, you are under its control and going nowhere.

Being under its control, means carrying a useless weight which exhausts you and takes away all your energy for life..

Why is this continuing to happen? You find you have no power. You have given it all to the divorce and to your ex.

You have given them control.

Once you realize this you can decide to get back the power to control your life.

Here are some key mental changes you will need to firmly make to get back the power to run your new life on your own.

These are mental changes you will need to make and are not optional.

You have the key here to let the all new life out and if you don't apply these mind set changes, your new getting on with life stays jailed.

You until now have been a victim, you have been a real "loser."

Now you are going to become a "winner."

One year from now you will be able to say this divorce was the best thing which ever happened to me.

You realize for the first time in your life: you are free!

Your ex and that life is gone and gone forever.

You finally realize you will never get back together. It is dead, gone and buried. What was, "was".

You don't need your ex or a sudden replacement. You have been sold a bill of goods. You are perfectly fine without them.

Sure you will meet and have new significant people in your life.

Right now, you realize you can make a new life on your own.

You finally realize alcohol or even prescription drugs do not help.

Getting drunk is not drowning your problems, it is irrigating them; the worst thing you can do.

Prescription drugs, are zombie pills that put your life on "hold". They freeze you from doing the processing, taking control and getting on with life.

What your ex does or does not do now, is none of your business!

You no longer have any control over them....you gave that up... you have discovered it was a chain that kept you from getting on with your new life..

You have now simply cut that chain.

You have a new mind set that gives you complete freedom. You do not in any way control them and they in no way control you.

If they can make you mad or ruin your day...you still have allowed and given them control of your life.

Get real! Why they left is of no further concern or value. What they did and are doing is to serve their own needs.

Again, in any divorce situation, you need to wake up your power in the inner you and realize that this has been a battle for survival.

Your life is made up of time... very precious time.

You have been wasting it, hung up in the divorce controlling your life.

Like the alcoholic, you have to make a very firm decision, you are taking back control of your life.

Nobody can make that decision for you, this is a 100% do it yourself project. Advise, yes.. but you have to make the firm decision that you are taking back control of your life. Again, like the alcoholic gives up an addiction with great pain, you as a relationship addict go through the same thing...... but until you both do... it controls you.

Making this decision gives you freedom, space and instant recovery.

Sure, you will have to give up the "poor me" negative attention, but in a matter of days you will be filled with enthusiasm over your options on where you go from here and you will not want to wait in sharing your new possibilities.

More on moving on from divorce in next issue,

Harlan

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Divorce Recovery Newsletter #46, 05/26/04

Please send a copy or feel free to print out a copy for a single friend whose ex got the pc.

<><><><><><><><><><><><>

Today we start with a quote.....

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"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us." -- Helen Keller

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This says better than I can..... LET GO of what was..... Until you do you can not even see the new door that has opened for you...

Divorce is the ending of something that was a great part of your life...

We all have difficulty letting go of that, admitting that is over and stop mucking with it... We think it is a life catastrophe.....that your life has all but ended...we want to put it back like it was...we were familiar with and could deal with that...

Here we are in no mans land... we do not have our old life and we cannot yet visualize our all new life.... This place we are in now is scary... it is the unknown. Once we accept we no longer are going to live the "old life", then we can start to figure out what we want in our new life (start to open new doors)

Yes, it is something you plan...you set goals, you visualize what you want to happen in act two...you plan how to get there.....

You do not sit around now waiting for the next shoe to drop....the next catastrophe.... that is what you have been doing....and you are past that.

We say make no small plans.... this new part of your life.....YOU are in control....(often for the first time).

We have many articles on goals and moving on to an all new life.... see the "site map" top right at Divorce Recovery 101

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On reprogramming ....(dumping erroneous beliefs) ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

You probably are aware that your actions are a direct relationship to your beliefs...

When you come out the far side of divorce you have some erroneous beliefs you picked up.

One of those is that you are a defective undesirable person that no one could ever want and love again.

(your ex had to sell you on that one before they could give themselves permission to leave you)

You may not be aware that you can wear away an old belief that does not serve you by changing your actions.

Act as if...
I'm pretty sure most of us have heard "fake it til you make it".

In our dating classes, for example, we tell you if you go to singles events acting like you were weaned on a pickle you won't attract many prospects.

We say when you go, act like an enthused happy successful single person. They say, well how can I act happy when I feel miserable even being here...?

We say fake it.... all you have to do is fake it for 5 minutes.... then the feeling catches up.

That is right...you can not fake (act) it more then five minutes... You start feeling like a happy successful single person.

Here I am telling you that if you act (fake it) as if you've already succeeded at something you dream of being, having, or doing, you've taken the first steps to actually achieving it.

Each time you act as if you are already there,, you gently wear away the old belief and start replacing it with the new belief, that hey, I am a happy successful desirable single person that has a great future with many wonderful friends and relationships.

Each time you act as if, it gets just a little bit easier...you encounter less and less resistance to what you are doing.

Before long, you are no longer acting as if ( pretending and faking it.) but you really are!

Stop here and take a minute to think about one of your dreams that your current beliefs keep getting in the way of.

Visualize what would you do or how would you act if you had already achieved that and arrived?

Once you figured that out and visualized it, go out and do it.

Sure you are going to run into hurdles and feel resistance when you do it. That comes with the territory.

You're challenging the very belief you're wanting to replace in order to achieve your goal of a happy successful new start in life..

Acting as if (pretending) is a way of visualizing that you are putting into real life motion.

How can you apply this right now in your life?

Try walking around with the confidence you would have if you already had reached (for example) your new "I am a desirable, wanted successful happy single person" goal...as if you are already there.

Remember today's...lesson... Your beliefs are restricting your actions. If you want things to be different....you need to revise your programming (your beliefs) and you do that by .......going outside your beliefs...(faking it) and gradually wearing down these old beliefs that have been and are restricting getting on with your second chance for an all new and better life.

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Divorce Recovery Newsletter #45, 05/02/04

You Have The Key, on The Inside, and You Can Let Yourself Out of The Divorce Miseries Anytime You Want.

Many emails arrive in my mailbox seeking help and advice around the clock, telling me all the details of how badly and unfairly they were and are treated by their STB ex and life in general, and how devastated and hopelessly bogged down they are in processing all that has happened to them. They seem to want to know will this ever get better, should they try to put things back together with their STBX because they just can not handle much more of this turmoil and emotional roller coaster.

Without a direction you are like a ship without a destination, it is likely this will not wind up good so you have all types of apprehension, and fears about "what catastrophe happens next".

Once you can let go of "what was"...admit to yourself that it is over, that it is nothing more then history, you burn your bridges behind you so that there can be no going back, firmly decide, that under no circumstances are you ever going back to "what was".

Once you make that decision, only then can you take charge of your life and start to make plans.

You have heard it here before but the easiest way to explain this is grasping the idea that you have three places to concentrate your energy and efforts.

The "what was" is where your head has been, with a little dabbling in the "now". You were so programmed for the "what was" you do not even see the "now" as reality.

Finally you start to see this is it...this is where I am going to have to exist.....

but... grasp this...the three places start with the "what was" and "right nows".

Those are not where you need to concentrate your thoughts and efforts now.

Your new life, and what's ahead is the third choice....move there and concentrate now on the "gonna be's".

If you concentrate and plan and work every day for making great "gonna be's," soon those great gonna be's start arriving, and before you know it, the "nows" are transformed. When the GONNA BE'S steadily arrive, you then have great NOWS, and with great NOWS, you will soon have great WAS-ES.

You have been locked into and trying to make sense of and recoup in some manner, the what was, to make sense of and/or to learn to live in the "depressing" now.

You have the key, you can close and lock the door to what was. Only then can you use that key to open the door and let yourself out to move on to the great "gonna be's".

You decide....where are you living...? The "what was", the now, or the "gonna be's".

Once you let yourself out (you have the only key, and are the only one to do it) and on to the gonna be's, then the "nows" keep getting better and take care of themselves with your looking forward to and seeing the "gonna be's" arriving.

Like the alcoholic, you have been addicted to a relationship, and like any other addiction, YOU have to make the decision and the extreme effort to end it COLD TURKEY..

Neither we nor anyone else can do it for you.....

We can encourage you, we can sympathize, but it is you that has to do it...

You graduated from high school, it was one of the best times of your life, and you did not want it to end. But it did.... and they wouldn't let you go back..... all your friends went off somewhere and no matter what you did......that part of your life was all over...

Now you have graduated from your "starter" marriage, it is history, it is all over, and you have to move on.

You totally "give up" on the "what was" and you only expend energy and concentration on the "gonna be's".

This time you are "in charge" of your life, not your parents, not your "stbx" not some new romance.

If your life is a bomb six months from now...you wont be able to blame your ex, your mother, the government, or anyone else....... You are now in full charge of you and your future, and you call the shots this time (maybe for the first time)....make and accept no "small" plans.

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Heard on Dr. Phil......children are better off and prefer being "from" a broken home rather then being "in one".

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Quote attributed to Martha Stewart:
If you want happiness for a year, get married.
If you want happiness for 15 years, get a dog.
if you want happiness for a lifetime, get a garden.

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NOTE; Nbc enterprises is doing a second season of their reality series on "Starting Over" and are interested in talking to newly divorced.

To read
what they asked me to post..for our readers go here This will only remain posted for a week or two so if you are reading newsletter archives it will be gone.

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Divorce Recovery Newsletter #44, 04/11/04

The legal hassle tied up in the getting a divorce is a main contributor to the emotional trauma involved in working through the process.

It is my sincere belief that if you do the legal part right, you can cut the rest of the process in half. Do the legal part wrong and you can double the length and severity of the process.

No, this does mean hiring a super duper or the very best attorney. It means understanding the process and the hazards of turning your divorce over to a stranger (even though he has a law degree and comes with references). It is the legal process and its many traps.

Please go to our site map and read everything you find on the legal process and understanding what decisions you need to make: click here

The legal articles are not separated out like they should be so you will have to look through it. There may be an easier way to find them from our front page.

Here is an article to start with that has other links on the bottom of the article to many more, click here

We connect you with many outside links with many good articles by attorneys.

You are afraid of anything you are unfamiliar or not knowledgeable about.

To lose your fear and anxiety, learn all about it. Understand the legal process and you will be greatly helped in your emotional process.

Nothing I or anyone can write on working through the emotional divorce will help you as much as this simple advice to get you reading up on the legal process and hazards to avoid and decisions to make.

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Now days they tell me the average person stays and lives at one house or address about seven years.

Apparently things change, there are opportunities in other states or parts of town and a zillion reasons for moving. This includes moving on to a better neighborhood that better fits your current situation and advances in life.

It still amazes me that many people take a long time to understand the end of a long term relationship but have no trouble understanding that a house was a perfect place for your needs when you moved into it but all that has changed. It no longer does. So you move on.

Marriage relationships now last about seven years on average and are in the same area right around the same seven years figure as the seven year moving from a house to a new location figure.

When you changed houses you had to make the decision together.

When one of you moved from the relationship the other one often had absolutely no say in it and may have been perfectly happy as it was.

They are very upset they had no say in this move and it comes as a surprise much of the time. One partner "moves on" and the one left, tries to hang on to what was.

Another comparison is that you loved high school, it was the best time of your life.

You had this network of great friends like you may have never equaled again.

Yet you graduated and were told you had to "move on," you could not go back. Your high school friends often went off to college, to the service or just in general scattered everywhere.

Your network of friends evaporated, you could not go back to a life you were comfortable with and had a great time. You had to move on.

It was scary..... Did you know that one of the highest likelihood times of committing suicide is the day you graduate from college?

You are forced to move away from what you knew and loved, your friends are leaving, what happens now?? You absolutely do not want to move on.

You would think the college graduate would be delighted to move on with great joy to a great NEW life, that they had worked all these years to get to.

Moving on from a relationship that one graduated from can be just as traumatic when you realize your new life is unknown, it is going to be scary.

Graduating from a relationship is now happening in a shorter time then ever for many reasons.

One of those reasons is it used to be you had to be married to survive. To support the children that were certainly going to appear.

The pill changed that, and in addition now both men and women can now be self supporting and one does not need the other to survive.

Life expectancy has increased dramatically. If your life expectancy at the turn of the century was around 35....if you got married at 25 marriage til death do you part was only ten years.

Now your life expectancy is up around 85. If you stayed together it was going to be for 60 years. If you have been married ten years you now days re-evaluate... do I really want to be married to this person for another 50 years?

Do I really want to live in this house or neighborhood for another 50 years?

One partner decides they do not want to stay in the relationship. So they move on. The left partner is forced to " move on " too, though it may take months to accept the idea.

This is something like moving on from a "starter house". You outgrow a house and you outgrow relationships. You change, they change, and you move on down the road.

Nobody failed. You grew and changed at different rates. Neither you nor the partner are the person you used to be. Needs changed.

The house was adequate and worked out well for a time. The relationship was adequate and worked out well for some time.

The fact that things, needs and people change does not diminish the okayness of what was.

It just no longer is....so you move on down the road.

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This getting old is a real bear. ......Here is an article we just posted that might give you some idea of how this works...... go here

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Divorce Recovery Newsletter #43, 03/15/04

This newsletter is all about working through the divorce process and is sent only to people who subscribe. If you need to unsubscribe or subscribe, see below.

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Last issue we talked about what for an elephant, is "broke" meaning to being under man's control by being made to believe (by chaining to huge trees when a baby) that as long as he has a chain around his foot and it is fastened to something he can not get away. He grows to be a huge strong beast that can pull out that tiny stake he is chained to in a minute. He was and is still convinced that he can get never get away because he is chained. That outlook is mentally programmed and his will to escape is "broke".

Like the elephant, you are still "broke" into believing some things that are no longer true but they still are able to control your life just as if they were true, because your big computer has accepted them as true (it is part of your programming).

The big thing we are stressing here is to get you to recognize, that now at the bottom of the pits of divorce is the very time to inventory and see how much of this programming that used to be true, no longer is but is still running (and ruining) your life.

The reason now is the time, is because unless life is not working in a disastrous way, (divorce calamity) you continue to just keep on doing what you have been doing or what programming your life has been running on no matter whether it works for or against you. You tend to just keep bumbling along...this is good as it gets...etc.

The key sentence in all of my divorce material is...."How to get from the worst time of your life to the best time of your life in six months."

Most readers initially at least think that is hype. It is not, I assure you. What I am trying to tell you here is why people in the pits of divorce make changes in their life they never would have made otherwise, and how it can change your life like nothing ever has before or will likely ever do again.

Well, you heard the old saying, when life gives you lemons-- make lemonade. That is exactly what we are doing here.....

If life had not given us lemons....we would never have gotten on to turning things around and making this great new lemonade.....

We take much of this up in my articles and we will do more in future newsletters.

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What I really set out to write about is something I have never written specifically before. I want to call this...
HARLAN'S 80% RULE....
This concept may change things for you.....

Previously, I have done articles on..."Expectations and Demands Exceed Performance" as an example.

That concept is that you "expect and demand" that people or certain things go or turn out a certain way or you are demoralized, crushed, or depressed because the "world out there" always disappoints you or nearly always fails to meet your demands or expectations.

The point is, it is not what the world out there is doing or not doing, that is making your life miserable, it is your unrealistic demands and expectations. You can not control the world but you can change or give up on your expectations and demands.

If YOU give up on making the world out there shape up, by merely just getting rid of your expectations and demands...

RESULT......
No more unhappiness or disappointments.

That is certainly an oversimplification, but that is the general idea.

Harlan's 80% rule is merely an extension of that...

Whenever I do new business things or ideas or investments etc. I have a percentage of those that do not work out and in hind sight, I say that was dumb, why did I ever try that?

Seemed I was always upset or my day was ruined because there was always something that did not work out as hoped or planned.

I spent $1,000 dollars on an advertising program and I only got back $100. Really upset. How could I be so dumb.... to have tried that. ??????

So in short here is HOW and where I bring out and apply my "80% rule"...

20% of new things in life that I try to make work, just do not work out.

This latest failure is just part of that 20% group and comes with the territory.

This is the rain that falls in every life.... (20%) 80% is sunshine.

If I am doing so good that I have less then a 20% failure rate (things I try that really bomb) then my life or business are not growing, because I am not keeping up by trying or doing enough new things.

If, however, I am having bigger then a 20% failure rate, then I have to scale back and not take as many risks on new things than I have.

Looking back, many of the reasons my businesses have lasted when all around in the same field have failed is because I am currently trying out and doing new things (risky) that may not be part of the business now but may well keep it going as the main stay next year or five years from now.

No need to be upset or distraught because everything does not go as hoped or planned.

Therefore I am passing that formula on to you and you may want to consider adopting it...

Try going out to that new place to see if it might work for you in meeting and developing new friends, if you just keep going only to the proven places you know work... then sooner or later it will all dry up on you.

Constantly try out new things all the time so you are having about a 20% failure rate and an 80% success rate on new risks.

Sure, I lose my shirt and my time and effort on a lot of things I have tried, but it is within my 20% rule. It is those very new and risky things that expand your life and keep you going, and you are not depressed or down because you do NOT EXPECT OR DEMAND all winners.

80% winners will do just fine, thank you..

If all you are doing in life and every thing is working 100%, you are totally unaware of it but you are actually in a "slow death" spiral.

The 20% failures are only the part of risky new things, new adventures and new people you try that do not work out.

They are evidence to yourself that you are participating and are being exposed to the other part of the new and risky things, adventures and people that do succeed that make life work and your future exciting.

Your new motto can be..... I do not expect to and do not have "all winners." (20% targeted failure at best estimates.)

No need for finding excuses, no need to find someone to blame, it is just part of and comes with growing and expanding your life.

Now you are dealing with life........

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Divorce Recovery Newsletter #42, 02/28/04

You Are Your Own Jailer.......
and....You Can Let Yourself Out..
You likely know what it means when they take a wild horse and they "break"him.

A horse that has been "broke" is one that no longer does what he wants to do. It is a horse who has decided (been convinced) he must do what a person (people) want him to do.

Here are two more examples, and all three of these also apply to you. We tell you over and over that this is your big chance, to change these "broke" portions of your life, that were previously decided as true and became part of your programming. You can "undecide" these controlling life decisions, and if there was ever a chance to do it, it is when you hit bottom after a divorce.

They take an elephant baby when he still weighs only about 200 pounds and they chain him to a big tree. He lunges and fights and fights and after days of this decides that when he has this thing around his leg he absolutely can not get free.

The elephant grows up, and gets to several thousand pounds. They take his leg shackle and drive a little stake in the ground, and chain him to it. He will stand there all day and not be able to move, though he can pull that stake out in an instant. He is convinced from his prior programming decision he can not get away.

Story two. They take a huge Pike (fish) and put him in a big tank. They put a glass window down the middle of the tank and they put him on one side of the window. On the other side of the window they put hundreds of minnows. The dining delight Pike love to eat.

The Pike gets hungry and sees a minnow so he makes a strike at that minnow and bangs his head on the glass. After several days of this the Pike has a very banged up head, and then decides striking at minnows is very painful and gives up on minnows deciding this does not work.

Once he decides that, (he is broke) they remove the glass and the Pike will then starve to death, in a sea of minnows swimming right past his face.

What was, NO LONGER IS. The programming (decision) was made when it was true, but is now controlling and ruining their life even though it is no longer true and has changed.

What we have been trying to tell you, is that you have some of this "broke" programming controlling your life that was once true but has changed.

We tell you this "no longer true" programming decision that is controlling your life can be changed. It can be "Undecided." Not easily but it can be undecided.

This is why we tell you that you are your own jailer, just like the elephant, the horse and the pike, jailing themselves, you now have the key because you are now aware of it, and....YOU CAN LET YOURSELF OUT....of your self imposed prison.

This is why we have helped many people make some profound changes in their life, at the pits of divorce miseries, because they will now take a serious look at their life.

You Are Your Own Worst Enemy, and ....You Do Not Need Anyone To Do Bad ....Things Against You, You Do More ...Than Enough Against Yourself.

Pogo the comic strip character says, we have searched every where for the enemy, and we have found him. He is us........

You have made some decisions about yourself and your life that are self imposing. Your ex and the world are not keeping you from moving on to a great new life. It is decisions you made in that past (broke) about yourself that are no longer true, but you nevertheless allow them to still control your life.

Like the huge elephant tied down and going nowhere because of a little stake, your life is tied down and going nowhere because of you being "broke" by firm decisions made under circumstances you found yourself in, in your past.

These circumstances and life controlling decisions made that are no longer true nevertheless, are now your "programming" and are still controlling (erroneously limiting) your life.

Example, if your ex told you for years that you were highly inadequate, a junk person, and you made the decision they were right, you now allow yourself only to do those things a "junk person" would do.

If you started doing things a highly successful person would do, you will be very uncomfortable because that is not you or what my type of (junk person) does. You tend to sabotage the good because that does not fit because you are chained, totally restricted by the small stake.

Since this is a newsletter and not a book, I will need to end the subject for now, you can pick up much of this "now is the time" to reprogram and change your life articles in our archives and site map listing of over 300 articles.

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Good quote but I lost the author....
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

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Share this newsletter with a newly divorced friend. Forward it or if their ex got the computer, print them out a copy.

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Divorce Recovery Newsletter #41, 02/16/04

Help For Getting On the Other Side of Divorce and Moving on To The Best Time Of Your Life.

Of all the axioms we asked people in our divorce classes to remember and make a part of their recovery and new life....... the most important one is...

Pain Shared is Halved....
Joy shared is doubled......

Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge. The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four-year-old child whose next-door neighbour was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman's yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked him what he had said to the neighbour, the little boy said, "Nothing, I just helped him cry."

When you have a beautiful sunset happening and you really enjoy and you turn to say "isn't that beautiful" ......and there is no one there.

No one to enjoy it with, it just is not as good as a beautiful sunset you share.

You had a mate that was the primary "sharing and halving your pain" with and you "shared and doubled all your joys" with.

Your long term mate rode off into the sunset never to return..... and now there is no one..... and it all feels very hollow.

You know that your mate is gone, but you desperately miss that part of your life that you know worked, you know you need and want that part of your "shared" life back......

Now you decide....... that if you are going to get this glaringly important part of your "shared" life back, you have to get right with it and get out there and find a new "replacement" mate.

Find someone (anyone) that will ride up on a white horse and fill this important role.... and rescue you from all this aloneness....

You start a crash program to find someone, read up on everything you can access on "finding a mate." You search the web for someone of the opposite sex on the same quest.

WHOA ! This is the wrong solution, at the wrong time.

What we have here is a need that is aching to be filled and finding a new mate will temporarily solve the need and the problem..... however..

Experience and statistics show this merely adds to the accumulating problems of "aloneness" when this first "replacement" trial crashes and burns (and the first one almost certainly does).

When you are newly divorced and an emotionally needy person, you tend to run right out and try to get one person the job of filling all these needs.

The job becomes so overwhelming, they resign.

This additional emotional trauma of another loss becomes overwhelming. If you think the divorce loss was bad..... this sequel is even worse.

The correct solution is to build a foundation of "single friends" (start at a divorce support group for example) to fill many of your needs.

What you need to work on right now is developing new "single buddies" and pals of both sexes, single people whose company you can enjoy and are fun uplifting to spend time with.

Out of that will come a few close people you can share your dreams with - and who will support you in anything you do to fulfill them?

You lost nearly all of your married friends who believe you have something that might be catching, and avoid you.

You will also develop what we call a "singles family." This is another complete subject we take up elsewhere.

These are people you need in your life and to develop as soon as you can a few of these people close enough to share your fears with, knowing they will give you strength and not judge you.

These will be people you can safely call in the middle of the night and say "I need to talk." You need to have a few of these single family of people you can ask for help when you need it most.

The best way to have a friend is to be a friend.

This is something that is learned and practiced. You have been out of practice for years.

Start by getting closer, by sharing part of yourself with someone you know is likely to be supportive.

This network of single friends will continue to fill some of your needs so that later when you are ready and get into developing one on one relationships you will not be a desperately needy person.

Just be aware that when you have your new life together built on this solid foundation of sharing and support friends network, you will not have any difficulty getting someone "special" to share and bask in your sunshine.

You will then be in a position to and will only be interested in an "up person" and actually select and develop relationships that will further add to the quality of your new life, not be a drain on it.

You will have many friends to share pain with, to share your joys, the many friends will introduce you to other friends, invite you to parties were they will have people that are your type.

Please make a note that you can expect 80% of your new life successes to come from and be as a result of your "friend" and singles community network and the support of your new "singles family."

We are never telling you to avoid the opposite sex until you have been divorced a certain time or you pass certain tests etc.

Develop a big network of friends of both sexes, but please avoid emotional entanglements until you have completely sorted out the emotions of untangling from your long term relationship involved in your divorce.

MY WARNING: CAUTION: Do not run an all out search for one member of the opposite sex to fill all your needs at this time or to rescue you from the miserables.

You will likely get applicants and those that will play your chimes, for temporary highs, but remember, the emotional crash that is coming when they split, (and they will ) will be devastating.

Hang in there, we will get you tuned up and ready for the fast track soon enough.

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Here is a new divorce site getting a lot of publicity, and with some great graphics...etc...take a look...

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That's it for this issue friend. Thank you for reading. We'll chat again in a couple of weeks. If you would like to chat with other folks in the process and some that have already been there and done that, try our Singles Talk Shop

Until next time, remember, one year from now when your new life is humming along far above your expectations, keep in mind it will be because of decisions you make now.... Remember also, you will be able to take all the credit, for this is likely the first time "only you" have really been responsible for YOU.

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Pass this Divorce 101 newsletter on...... If you have friends who could use a little help and would enjoy receiving this update, please feel free to forward it to them. Suggest they subscribe.

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