Dear Divorcerecovery101.com - From Brian in Fort Worth,TX (09/02/10-15:42)
After 30 years of marriage, my wife divorced me. Shocked to learn that she no longer love me and wanted out to make her life all about her.
I did all I could to save the marriage but she refused counseling or a separation. I made most of the blunders possible through the divorce
She was the center of both my personal and professional lives.
We were in business together for the last 10 years - I travel the country as a professional speaker and she was my business manager. Divorced was final 3 months ago and I am having a hard time letting go. Every moment has been looking back and struggling for peace and acceptance. I depended on her to run the business (marketing, taxes, websites, accounting) and now I am on my own. My life is now very lonely and isolated. Incredibly, business has recently taken a sharp turn upwards, but I am functioning at what feels like 10%. We lived in another city for 20 years and moved back to our former hometown where we grew up(her idea) a year before our divorce. Ostensibly the idea was sell our home, pay down our debt, live rent-free in one of her father's properties and focus on addressing the recent loss of business due to the poor economy. I now feel set up.
Do you think that I would let go and move on quicker and easier if I moved back to our former city? I have a brother here that I have leaned on heavily through this ordeal and he is my only surviving family. I have a large circle of supportive friends encouraging me to get out of my ex's town and come back to them in my former town. My adult daughters also feel that a new start in my old surroundings would be a good idea. My brother will support me either way, but I feel he would prefer I stay put.
I feel much inclined to go back, but I just can't make myself do it. I fear I am holding on to her by staying here.
Would moving back to my former town be a major step toward letting go and moving on?
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Dear Brian,
Okay, looks like you have to do what Rev. Schuler calls "possibility thinking".....
To do that you list all your options including any odd possibilities you had not thought of before.
Next:
Sort out your life...
What Was:
Write down so can see on paper....
"What Was" in black and white
The What Is:
Right Now
Then:
The Gonna Be's
Be sure and figure out the very best of what you think the "gonna be's" should or could be.... This is the "possibility thinking part".
List all the Possible "Gonna Be's" for your new life.... and pick the best one.
Now, get busy and get with it....
Make it happen.....
You will find you no longer have any time to mess with the "what wases"...
Life will all fall in place.... clearly.....
Regards,
Harlan
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Dear Divorcerecovery101.com - From Lost & annoyed in ,NC (09/02/10-15:42)
After 17 years, my husband sat up on the couch and said, I am unhappy I am leaving and Poof he is gone. We have 2 children, one with special needs and is completely disconnected. The kids and I are in therapy, I am doing all the legal things I am supposed to, but every day I feel pathetic because even though he doesn't indicate any hope, I still want him to wake up and say... I am sorry I want to come home. Why is that? Shouldn't me reaction at this point, (3 mo) be different? He really was a good husband, and great father but now he says his happiness has to come first and acts like his responsibilities are a burden. I hate the feeling in my stomach every day....what do I do next. I am at a loss. |
Dear Lost & annoyed,
The legal questions and physical and financial I do not go into. You will need to get assistance there where ever you can.
Would suggest considering buying legal advice by the hour, not hiring or giving your case totally to an attorney.
Now, your problem of letting go and hanging on to the idea he may come to his senses and come back.
More lives are wasted trying to put humpty dumpty back together. Deal with reality, this is not going to happen.
That is a "What Was". You need every bit of your thoughts on handling "what is", and planning for your new great "gonna bes".
The longer you mess with the "what wases"....which is a waste of time, and effort-- the longer it will be before you get on to the great "gonna bes".
Be Strong and Good Luck,
Harlan
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Dear Divorcerecovery101.com - From S.P in ,va (09/02/10-15:42)
I unfortunately am looking into divorce from my husband of 1 year. We have been together for 7+ years.I ignored a major factor in our compatability and that would be the fact that he wants kids and I do not, EVER. There was an incident last year that has led me to believe that this is a bigger issue for him than he previously let on. His whole family is baby crazy and I feel super pressured to do something I don't want to do. This isn't a case of " maybe I will have kids in the future". This is set in stone, no compromise. Is divorce the only solution? |
Dear S.P,
This is out of my area of expertise.
You might want to consider getting some counseling on this to see if there might not be some abnormal reason for this issue being set in stone. Seems to go against instincts, but we all respect your decision. Is yours to make but you might look into basic reason why you feel this way. Insight might assure you that you are doing the right thing or you may discover you got derailed accidently down this track.
Good luck.
Harlan
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Dear Divorcerecovery101.com - From Paul in Austintown,OH (09/02/10-15:42)
My wife and I divorced in Nov 08. I am current on my spouse support and we have shared custody. At first my two sons, age 19 and 18 lived with mom. i bought a home close by to be close and to spend time with them as much as possible. She in the past year found someone who is very questionable and has a backround of drugs and jail. We agreed to her keeping the family home for the sons. Well her new bow is or has drove such a wedge between her and my sons that it has caused them to lash out at her and myself at times. In Feb 09 I was served with papers that she was releasing to me full custody of my younges son as he is still in school and is a minor still in Ohio. She has kicked them out of the home to live with me and i am not sad about that. The home has been sold from my understanding and she will have lots of money. She moved in with him in another state, Pa.
My question is this. I live in a much smaller home than "moms" home. They say things to the affect and put it down. Now it is a nice home I am remodeling and have started to finish the basement for them to have as extra room. I get comments from concerned friends about what my sons say to them bashing all I am doing for them. I did not seek full custody nor did I force her in to this other guy ( they hate him to point of police being called) or to move and sell the home. I am hurt that with all she has done to them that I am the bad guy and I come second. I provide everything for both, money, college , clothing, cars, hobby money for racing cars, ect... I am not trying to buy them as I have always done this. She on the other hand calls and they run to her. I get left in the dark. I have talked to them as young men and my sons. Sought professional help but nothing is working. I feel I am being used by my sons and that hurts. My ex has been told as long as she is with the other man they will not do things with him due to his past and how he has treated them and the things that have been said to them by him. Now she is trying to buy my youngest son things to pull him away and confuse him more. He is having issues in school to which I am very involved in to get him going in the right direction. How should I handle all of this, my feelings and them. I encourage them and "mom" to remain close at all cost. Alot to answer, but thank-you. |
Dear Paul,
Well, we deal with the emotional adjustment and getting your life back to normal. This is all after divorce, kid hassle,e and kid adjustment. So, if I was in the counseling business, (I am a reporter on findings of what works), I'd say that’s about $500 worth of counseling to straighten that out or even take a kink out.
But, let me tell you.... I raised four kids thru two divorces. You can not do nothing right. Kids will be upset about something.
All this kid upset gets you and her and everybody all bent out of shape.
Get your life working, as best example, if your life is a mess, their life is a mess.....
What seems like really humungous problems now, as they grow up, they grow out of it....and just keep letting them know you are on their side and best interests, and you will help them all you can, but you have your life to live, too, so see if you can blend your interests in together.
“If you think it is better back with her, your welcome. If not and want to stay here, then need to figure out how to make the best of it.”
Had four kids, one was a real problem..... grew out of it.... good buddies now....neither one of us remember any of that, unless we work at it. He is now 50.
That growing up teenager part seems now like a little wisp of a time.... but seemed like we were never going to live thru it at the time. Hang in there, it does get better.
Regards,
Harlan
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Dear Divorcerecovery101.com - From Pam in Cleveland,Oh (09/02/10-15:42)
My marriage had been deteriorating for a few years. My husband would never be home and I thought I was being a good wife by not bugging him about it but I was so depressed and lonely. After years of doing this, I finally confronted him on 1/1/10 about never spending time with me and he admitted that he was having an affair and he hasn't loved me for years. He didn't want to work it out or go to counseling and he told me that he was leaving me because he loved his mistress. I am devastated. We have been married 11 years and together a total of 15 years. I try to act ok and everyone thinks I'm fine but I cry when I'm alone and I do have suicidal thoughts. My question is how do I stop this pain? and is this normal? |
Dear Pam,
Yup, your perfectly normal. This happens to everyone, no matter how intelligent, how big a position they have in life, how healthy, how sick, gets them all......
Death of a long term relationship is one of the most stressful things in life.
Spent five years studying it and had over 10,000 people in our classes, and learned something from everyone. We figured out there is a shorter way to get past this and we try to spell it on our web site: divorcerecovery101.com
Suggest you go thru one of my courses online, such as Starting Over. Also suggest you call around to major churches or anyone in counseling. They will know if there is a divorce recovery group that meets in your area, and find out when they meet.
If will not be your brand of church or something won't be perfect but go anyway.
You need to talk to other people going thru this and that's why you go there.
Or just find someone in your area going thru divorce and get together for coffee every once in a while and next one invite some more people you meet going thru..... or run an ad on Craigslist:
Says: Newly divorced, was wondering if anyone getting divorced knows of somewhere others are meeting on making this adjustment. Or let's get together for coffee, etc. your phone number...
You will make it through this. The more people you reach out with, the faster you will start healing.
Regards,
Harlan
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